You are the extension of energy that remains and never dies, it is never lost and never achieved, you are the gift everyday I receive!
This will be a journey to follow the next couple weekly additions…………… Sit back, grab a cup of tea and be present with me……………………..
How is everyone doing? Summer is officially here where I live and I love it. Sunshine is where I thrive most. It charges me up in every way, it’s when I am the most inspired and the most energized.
I love to adventure not just the world but my heart, what is it telling me, what does it need to grow more?
How am I serving it in the best way possible?
To adventure your heart is to adventure life, all you know is what’s there. Take another step past there and bare your curiosity and tenacity to share.
Have you ever thought about where there is for you and if you’re interested in more?
I have been stretching myself in many areas I was resistant about before, listening to what my heart says, when I am in a busy place, what does it tell me when I feel panicked, unsafe, unclear, determined, joyful and all emotions and feelings that run through me?
How is my heart interpreting that emotion or feeling? I ask my mind to support my hearts calling. To help guide me in the most efficient and healthy way possible.
I used to completely resist things that life eventually forced me into. In a grateful way I know my heart over ruled my head and gifted me the opportunity to grow beyond what I know.
Watching and experiencing someone you love suffer, either grows you or overcomes you.
This was not the life I had explored and was optimally prepared for, why would I ever prepare for tragedy to traumatize my life? Life can instantly change, and what I learned is this, it’s you ultimately that decides if you will breathe, stress, give up, give in or let go or allow the emotional holds.
An emotional hold comes from a memory, a scar, a moment in time we feel we can’t change, we dwell and deepen the caverns that pain entered by living there in memory, as if we are shackled to the walls of the trauma. Our systems are changed, our wiring re-arranged, our hearts struggle and our minds shut down, a sort of short curcuiting burns what we used to know and rebuilding is often slow. For some the shackles rust and close and darkness becomes a place where you live and windows don’t exist.
I don’t know why? Each person has the ability to fly, we all have something inside that is divine, however when the darkness is where you hide, light can not enter to find that place so divine. This is a believing your more, something other than the darkness or the light to explore, an energy field that was placed to move anything and everything you choose.
Before Zakary’s body died, I already believed he would still survive, this never waivers. Whether his body is here or not I know he is still alive. I was blessed with a lighthouse inside, I don’t know why, I just know I have it. I can see the light when darkness closes in, my lighthouse shows me the way, its always working, its always leading, its always believing, it’s set, it’s on auto, it’s me, it’s the divine light I choose to be.
Zakary had it too and so do all of my children. It’s not different than everyone else, it is your truth.
Without owning judgements or opinions, traumas and others decisions, without a stereotype, a list of what I may or might, should or shouldn’t, could or couldn’t, without a question or waiver, the light is divinely given and yours to receive. You don’t stand in line waiting to buy it, or need to wait your turn, it is yours to discern, to own, to accept, to rely, to believe, to embrace, to know, to rejoice, to grow.
The lighthouse is not your ticket out of messes or challenges, it is not the ticket to glory or the easy way. It is simply your base, your place to rest, to embrace and know when you stand in your TRUTH, that is the lighthouse that radiates light beyond the darkness you hide your truth.
I want to tell you about a moment in my life where beyond trauma and beyond pain, the lighthouse still remained.
After losing Zakary in the physical form and spending years before working so hard on knowing myself enough to let go of myself, which still takes constant work, this isn’t natural my any means yet. It’s still a foundation I build on daily.
What does it mean to know yourself and let go of yourself?
Stop trying to be more than you are right now, be who you are NOW, being present in this place is where you can let go, so energy flows and change occurs and now is never missed. When I learned this, I was able to receive a divine connection with Zak and energy started to flow so differently.
Until I accepted who I was now and quit living in when, where, how, should, shouldn’t and somehow, that blessed resistance that keeps us out of now and into later, when and if. You know, the place we question and persist into because the moment is uncomfortable and we want more NOW. The place you try to live in another’s expectation of space, time and success.
Listen to that!
I listened to the aching and crying , the deepest pain and agony of my life, my son suffering. I never wanted to accept he could die, I could not grasp that at all. I just wanted so bad to let go of the pain and be present in knowing every feeling and connecting with Zak so that I would never miss a moment in the now because I was so scared of never finding somehow.
The part of me believing he would live and the determination of a mother to fight for her child’s life with all her might was mighty and present. However, there was also another part I fought with (the darkness), what if I couldn’t find the cure, what if he left resenting me for being his mom, because I couldn’t fix it?
OMG, I can tell you there was not an emotion I didn’t feel. Somehow the depth of me was dug out with a bulldozer and filled with fear, desperation, shame, guilt, how the hell would I make it through losing a child, what did I do or not do, would I die too, would I stop breathing and my other children experience the loss of a brother and a mom?
How could I stop this downhill slide and more importantly how could I hide it from anyone, let alone my kids, that didn’t benefit from their mom losing her ground, her mind and her peace and support for them?
The lighthouse never turned off, despite the dark caverns and storms, lightening, earthquakes and tsunamis of the inner self.
Finally ,we knew, we surrendered to what our fears had to show us. It was a rocky road, face plants, arguments, space invasion, fear we drew near, loss of ourselves, a separation from now into an adrenaline rushing pain you don’t escape. You have to face it or die without ever embracing what it has to show you.
Through this we gained a silent connection that spoke louder than any words could ever come close to.
I could cry my eyes out miles away and Zak would text me and say, “mom are you ok?” I could ask a question in my mind and Zak would text me and say,”mom I can hear you.” This is just a couple of the many times we had this type of thing happen. We had many talks about the connection and our ability to hear one another even when we weren’t right by each other.
I wanted so bad to know that I would never lose this connection, whether he stayed or if he left. It became our gift to one another, a knowing and allowing to give and receive love beyond what the human body could comprehend.
He is my connection, he is my child, my extension of love, how could we not have it. Instead of surrendering into my own truth, I realized I had surrendered into the fear of religion that all of this happening wasn’t possible. That somehow there was a separation between God and all that has been created and words defined and expressed what my heart never could accept.
MY HEART KNEW MORE!
This changed everything, our worlds opened, there was no longer 4 walls dictating our destiny, our purpose, our truth. This is where years of religion and dogma disappeared, where the shackles of judgments and opinion and fear instilled into our bones was shifted.
Divine love, infinite possibilities became the path less traveled. God did not limit us to a book or a word, a feeling or a demand. God does not make us suffer or ridicule and judge us. God does not instill fear into us. God is LOVE. God is not looking down at you pointing in direct discipline and directing disease and traumas at you because you deserve it. God created us all and gave us choice, a collective participating ability to work together or not.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Example: You can raise your kids as perfect as you believe and they can still go a completely different direction. This is not God making it happen, this is Gods creation of energy flow and motion, action and reaction.
Its given as your gift to accept or resist, either choice is movement, grow or change, be present or die resisting.
You were not created with so much more than you know on accident, life is a collective responsibility and an energetic connection between us all that is not separated and is experienced through every single persons reaction and action collectively. Like it or not we are connected and what we each do affects our collective space.
When you decide to arrive in the NOW you will feel the divine connection to flow more freely into each now more and more presently, this is where you grow.
To be Continued………………………… Zak arrived AGAIN in the mountains of Utah in the biggest, no mistaking present way, where I was off the grid, no service and vulnerable to the elements of emotion and mother nature’s decisions, 16 degrees at night and ice on the inside of my car among a few other elements that make this ride one forcing me into the presence of my deepest truths.
A traumatic moment in time occurred and Zak showed up and shifted a trauma into my greatest opportunity for growth…………………………….
Part 2 …. Zak is very much alive!