The Universe belongs to us all in abundance, the resource of all healing, understanding, unconditional love and freedom to explore more, when we are open to more, more opens to us!
Down a dirt road…..
In a space where my wounds were opened and Mother Natures land held me and the skies enveloped me and Zak(my forever 24 year old son in heaven) confirmed his presence to show me the way.
It was an early cold morning, a long night talking with Zak, trusting he had my back. Things were different inside me this morning and I felt like Zak had my hand.
I didn’t know what I was doing or what was about to happen, but I knew it was going to change me forever.
Just as Zak told me it would.
No words were said, an uncomfortable silence lead the morning. A story that would change my life that day arose. I roared from an inner flight or fight, everything inside, that had been bottled up, unshared, unheard and undone was ready to fight for me, finally.
I erupted from a silence inside, every emotion spilled out like a waterfall. It was spilling out of every cell of me, frustration and silence were completely uncapped, there was a break down that soon gave me ground for a break through and the universe said, “Lets DO this!”
This is where it gets sticky, where someone else is involved and blame can be placed. However when you blame, you give away your power to shift your lesson into wisdom. I surrendered into it and let it eject from my core with the force it was demanding. It was time to shift and that meant inviting source energy to swirl me in gratitude for the moment presented.
It was about gratitude not blame, it was about standing in my truth and my power and allowing the universe to fill me with the natural emotions I was honored to experience and I was trusted to assimilate it all, so I could eventually share it.
THEN…..My entire life felt as if it stopped, for a second, panic, I embraced it, for a second anger, I embraced it, for a second, blame, I embraced it, for a second I wandered too far into someone else’s story and needed to get back to mine.
Ultimately it’s what is inside you that creates your view. What I saw next, was a new view, and I felt Zak say, “mom I got you”.
I looked around and the silence and serenity was one with me and all that nature offered was a part of me.
I drove my car down the long bumpy dirt road, missing the potholes that were gracefully placed. One wrong turn of my steering wheel meant I could bottom out and rip the under carriage among other things in my car.
I had no phone service where I was and although that wasn’t a big deal to me, I knew I needed someone to be on the other line as I experienced the shock waves barreling though me.
I looked up and the dust of his truck disappeared, the engine I could no longer hear, I called and he answered, what was said next, shot me into a slow motion reality and then the phone was silent.
I was frozen in time, and I will tell you this part of the lesson is so
deep for me.
Telling one side and leaving the other side only in my journal has been something I have truly had to dig deep into before deciding. How do I tell just one part without the other, it all creates the total story, of love, loss and devastation, learning, living, creating and reinventing, or does it?
We all have a journey we must travel and for me, my journey is to stay present in my own healing because that is ultimately where I have freedom to be me, all of me! Thats where I am empowered and transformed, thats where change is made.
At the end of the day, did I live my truth, fully and without hesitation?
Did I love with all of me?
At the end of the day, do I feel good about who I am?
Life is our experiences and what we learn from them is up to us.
I live to the fullest and I love to the fullest. I also am hurt easily, super sensitive and I never want to hurt anyone. I’m an old soul empath and a Libra to the core, hurting anyone is the most painful thing to me and I use to own it in my own worth.
This is one of my biggest challenges I have been doing the work on for years now. Not owning others pain, walking with them, not for them. It took me years to see this and I practice it daily, living in the present moment and asking myself, am I willing to feel it fully to heal it fully? Is it mine to heal or shall I return to sender?
I made it to the end of the dirt road carefully and took a left making it about 1/4 mile, I felt my body give way, I had no air to breathe, my chest caved in and panic and shock set in. I pulled over and went down another dirt road to cry and scream and to just let go.
I finally had service on my phone here. I called my mentor who is an energetic healer.
My panic said it all, I needed immediate energy help, I spilled out the finer details and then needed to get off the phone. I felt immediately sick and needed to scream to the heavens. I hung up and fell to the ground surrendering all of me.
I wept harder than ever on my hands and knees in the dirt and screamed to the heavens, I surrender, I don’t want anymore pain please, take me, make me, do whatever, just please no more, no more. Whatever I have to do, help me create a new path, a look outlook.
I called my mentor back and just set the phone down unable to talk. THENNNNNNNNNNN.…….. in the mountains in Utah in the hills, set nestled into the trees of a path less traveled a fighter jet flew so low and right above me I could see the details,( Utah trees where I was, were short) then another, the ground rocked, my car shook, my angel kitty took cover and I burst into tears. It was Zak, and not just one but 4 or 5 I’m still not totally sure the number but my friend said to me on the phone, its Zak. Thats Zak and if I wasn’t on the other line I’m not sure even I would believe what just happen.
In Zak’s honest engine voice, he said, ” mom what I couldn’t change on earth I can intercept from heaven, because your my mom.” I chose you to be my mom and my place as your son is never done. He continued to share with me so much more. I pulled up my boot straps and explored and wrote. This journey had just begun for me, it wasn’t just a Zak healing anymore, Zak was with me, he laid out a plan and it just kept rolling. I followed and along the way a fighter jet would confirm to me I was going the right way.
You see when Zak took his last breathe, a fight jet rocked my world as I crawled outside and laid lifeless and frozen for hours before I could move again. After he crossed over I took a long drive to my favorite place on earth. He continued to show up in fighter jets among other signs that came left and right. This one has shown up at the oddest times and places but the perfect times and places for me.
I can go on and on about Zak’s presence with me, my journey and all the signs he was so close, but this moment in perfect timing, in a fully traumatized state on my knees in the mountains of Utah in the exact second I surrendered fully, right above me, close enough to see details, he showed up to confirm to me, he intercepted my path and changed my view, exactly what I asked for at exactly the same timing.
Confirmation, we have only the power we allow!
Zak lives on and there is never a day he does not show up…………………..
Zak took me back to every space on that 40 day journey that needed restoration and a new view and we healed it all.
I am free to be ME!