OMGOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I have written this weekly addition 10 times over the last few weeks and within a day it changes again. I don’t send it because as soon as I start writing it becomes a journal of words thrown up like confetti trying to find its place from space.
I woke up this morning and thought, OMGOSH I can’t think straight, I’m all over the board and have so much on my mind it’s like listening to 10 different languages competing for the lead roll.
So, the main eruption of craze, is my son’s one year passing coming July 30th.
I know what I’m doing in honor of him and its going to be epic. I’ll share with you after in photos and emotions that are crashing and rising like tides on a stormy sea.
The growth I have had in the last 6 months is due to the most unconditional love I have had around me. Two people (my Aunt Jeri and Uncle David aka AJ and UD) that believed I was worthy to be loved fully and complete with a space to heal and breathe. When I felt none of that, they some how held the knowing I would find my way, even when I wasn’t sure.
Trusting me to leap into my life again and find what moves me.
I could write a book on the impact these two have made on my life and the love I have learned and experienced through them. It holds a category all on its own.
I’ve taken a couple trips back to see my kids and gather my things and make arrangements to move to a new area, to start new, to leave behind my memories that haunt me and find my purpose again.
THEN THIS HAPPENED!!!!
What an interesting journey it has been, I have never learned so much in such a short time as I have in this last year. THE ONE most pivotal change for me, is one I cry my eyes out with, as I am working on finding words to express it, and hoping it will touch and change something for you too.
Losing my son is obviously the worst thing I have ever experienced but in that it is also the best thing I have ever experienced and as I say that, it holds so many emotions.
Hell no, losing him can never hold the “best thing”, do not mistake my words but listen to my heart.
He changed me!
My son did NOTHING in a small way, not one thing. When he left this earth he gave me something else equally important to this tragic experience. He guided me back to my purpose.
I thought I lost it and I have been digging deep for it. Writing, traveling, researching, talking, sharing, loving, letting go, you name it. What I found in searching my new purpose was that I was searching for something that was NEVER LOST.
I left my purpose and then cried about not having a purpose,WTF?
How did I miss this one?
When I arrived where I am now in Feb. (the short story is in a previous weekly addition) I was so incomplete, sick, tired, unbelievably lost in every way shape and form. I barely remember the details of how I got here, but it consisted of small things like, being left in the mountains of Utah followed by ultimatums that would later change my path drastically, snow storms alone hundreds of miles from home and courage beyond what I ever imagined I had.
It consisted of friends that love me and believe in me, friends that reminded me who I am, friends that leant me a hand and gave me unbelievable inspiring energy that lifted and showed me there is more.
It consisted of family and unconditional love, even when somedays they probably want to shake me out of it, but still give me a calmness of understanding to heal more than a moment in my life, but a lifetime.
I flew back to my children a couple weeks ago to stay a day and then get on the road for another adventure, to take photos and jump in lakes and do all the things I love so much.
But my life consists of rapid change and growth ALWAYS, I’ve surrendered to it, its what makes me, ME!
I ended up staying for a week and in that week I devoured time with my children, my grandchildren and friends and as I was there, life started to transform my purpose.
When my kids grew up I thought I lost my purpose, now what? Empty nest hit me like a ton of bricks, then Zak got sick, he needed me, that was purpose of course. Then he passed, all the kids are grown and everything I ever did I did because I was driven by my love for them.
After one year of Zak passing, crying, feeling ungrounded, (I’m still ungrounded somewhat, being completely honest) I’m finally feeling like I’m getting somewhere.
Something shifted this trip for me. My grandkids are growing so fast, our conversations where different, they wanted to ask questions that lead to more and more and more. I couldn’t get enough of it.
I wanted to answer every question and shared their facts with detail, they were authentically interested in the details of life, like how does a bee make honey?
Why do you live so far away?
Uncle Zak died Nina(thats me)…. ughhhh that one hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was experiencing memories left and right, where I raised my children, friends for life, stores I remember Zak parking his bike at the front door. I could hear his voice and see his face, hear his laughter, I passed our old houses where memories still run around the yard as if time stopped.
Then another jolt, a voice I know well, a history lesson of things I left behind, forgot somewhere and they were all surfacing as fast as I can say, WOW! I was back on my bike after a year, I was rowing 3000 meters daily and beat my time by almost 6 minutes within a weeks time. My kids were working out daily and asking me questions and asking me to watch their form and show them specifics.
My fire was being lit, I was needed, I was with my purpose.
IT NEVER LEFT, I DID!
Then a visit to Zak’s memorial space. A shift, another shift, I was shifting faster than a race car on a race track.
I was about to get on a plane and go home and I felt like I was leaving home at the same time I wanted to go home. Chaos took me over and when I got on the plane I wrote Zak. OH MY GOSHH I miss you more than words, or stars in the sky among the infinite missing that I know will never end, Zak I need you NOW.
Then it hit me!
My purpose never left, I DID!
Everything in me was fighting, I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back, the list of pros and cons where sparring for the championship.
Start over AGAIN?
Dear GOD I’m so tired of starting over, plant my feet and let me grow my roots again with purpose!
THATS IT, MY PURPOSE!
I was flying away from it and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
“I don’t want to live where my purpose is, WHAT the HELL Kerri Elizabeth????”
I can travel, I can go back and forth to my purpose, sure I can. I can build another purpose I told myself, their grown, shouldn’t I have another purpose by now? I mean, who’s to say they won’t move away? I don’t like the dark winters? Why do I need to live there all winter? Why am I limiting myself? Why am I stressing?
Its written in stone, my purpose is my children and grandchildren and loving others, being in love again and never giving any of that up. I love, sharing my inspired heart that has been seasoned with sugar and spice to give more to others, that is my purpose.
I was searching myself for a new purpose and my purpose was still the same, it’s what I created from being me, its the extensions of me, the lives I birthed and the love I know how to share.
Zak brought in a voice that shocked me into position and blew me wide open.
I remember in surgery when I had my intestine removed in 2005( I think), I was under for 12 hours, not what they wanted or planned for but everything went wrong and they couldn’t get me out of anesthesia. The hospital had to call in a voice of my past to shock me back to life.
Thats what happened again!
Stop searching, what your searching for has already found you and never left you.
Look to see where you went!