In every space the purpose is the present, be fully in it!
Hello to you all and thank you ahead of time for reading my soul writing and I hope in someway it will inspire you.
If you are struggling with something from the present or past, a relationship, work, family, finances, loss or loneliness, anger or frustration among other emotions that fester before healed, may this shine light on at least one of these and it be healed and forgiven because it can.
Part 2 of a long journey……………
Deep in the woods of Utah, above the hot sun line where snow still laid on the ground and ice blanketed the windows in my car at night. It was early Feb. toward the end of a 40 day journey on the road through 5 states, that shifted me in ways I wasn’t prepared for but completely open for.
I knew my life was going to change the minute I decided to hit the road and leave all I knew to Mother nature’s grand healing, hugs and invitation to be open to the elements of surprise.
Zak (my son)told me to leave two months before and I resisted for reasons that were less important than healing the loss of my child. The grief was setting in deep, loss, loneliness and a depression I have never experienced (I had zero tendencies to depression and always had a smile, UNTIL….my child died).
This was an eye opener as to what a trauma of 5 constant years of watching your child suffer and not being able to find an answer and then watching him pass while holding one hand, his wife another and my youngest daughter holding his head as comfortable as she could. He literally was suffocating and struggling to breathe on his way out. Horrifying to experience.
He didn’t want to miss a moment and be so medicated and on hospice he didn’t feel life.
He felt life to the last breathe in the most painful ways, but he felt it, he didn’t resist it, he wanted life more than death and used all he was given.
This isn’t going to sound like SUNSHINE right off the bat, but please stick with me, it’s all an adventure through darkness with a light that never dies.
This is the partial story that sent me packing. Move, do something big, drastic and different or stay in the story of trauma and agony. I chose MORE! Zak was not my only struggle to get through. I was also years into a relationship that offered more lessons to me than any relationship has ever gifted me in my entire life. I won’t talk about this part for now and never in depth because it’s one side and I know, I truly and fully loved, thats all that matters here.
I can tell you this, it was one of those relationships that challenge who you are to your very core, that hold your highest highs and deepest lows.
I chose my life and who I spent it with, we don’t get to choose our consequences most often though, but we do have the opportunity to choose our actions and how we show up for our consequences.
Consequences usually include an action that is tied to or involves others lives and ideas, hence not having control over the entire picture.
We can’t change others, only ourselves, however, so often we enable others by trying to heal wounds that aren’t ours, or compare and demand fairness, whatever that is for you, and we end up enabling ourselves and missing our own lessons completely.
This part of the journey is about my own lessons and what I have been so fortunate to learn, I have no control over anything else.
I woke this particular morning knowing this day would be a different day, I had spent the entire trip writing about what I wanted in my life, how I wanted to show up for myself and what that would take for me. I honestly couldn’t make sense of much else, other than making sure I ate right and monitored my well being on the day I left, Dec. 30th.
I just knew my life was different and was about to change even more.
It had to be different and putting it into words as I write even still is difficult. I feel it all so deep, no words seem to explain it at the depth I feel it.
It was a freezing cold morning in my Buick Encore, a thought out organized cozy space inside with all I needed to travel, sleep and be comfortable wherever I was and feel safe and secure inside when I chose any off the beaten path areas. This particular space was definitely off the beaten path, in a secret off the grid magical space filled with wonder, like a fairytale. It felt surreal to me, and honestly at this point everything was surreal and not just in beautiful ways.
My kitten Angel was always with me, she went everywhere with me since she was 6 weeks old, so she loved traveling and exploring anywhere and everywhere.
The night before, Zak clearly told me as I was locked in my car, to just be calm and get my computer out. Mind you I had been off the grid and off electricity for some time now and the chances of my computer working was zero, it was cold, draining every battery I had and I hadn’t charged it in weeks. I didn’t even have a charged phone or service where I was. Zak persisted with me to open it, so I did. Sure enough when I opened it, music started playing, music I didn’t even know was on my computer and it was music I wasn’t familiar with, but it all had a purpose and a reason for me at that moment.
I listened for two solid hours and Zak told me to start writing what I was feeling.
I couldn’t write fast enough, it was flowing like lava through my fingers onto the keyboard. It was dark outside and it was cold and I was snuggled in tight with Angel in gratitude for the anxious knowing my life was about to change drastically.
I fell asleep finally, hours after the music and the writing and the constant appreciation that was pouring out of me for whatever was next.
I hit my wall of tolerance to stand in darkness any longer, I wasn’t going down depressed and I wasn’t going down as a victim to anyone, including myself.
I had control of what I wanted in my life going forward and the lighthouse was beaming non stop with light beams that ONLY pointed in the direction I was to trust without question. That included using my voice again with power and strength and trust whatever came out was exactly what was meant to.
I woke up with a new outlook, Zak had my back, he played music for 2 hours teaching me, empowering me, filling me with zest for life again, telling me it was all going to be ok, he had my back.
No matter what happened at this point I had a powerful extension of me working from another dimension. I trusted 100% Zak had it all planned and the consequences were going to be rough but they were going to be worth every second of the pain, agony, defeat, darkness, crawling and shattered torn feeling I was about to experience.
I had no idea that the consequences to my voice would be to experience the rest of the adventure alone in the mountains of Utah off the grid with no phone service suddenly, and that I would literally be in the hands of Mother Nature and God and trusting all I had manifested and opened my heart to was going to tear every wound I ever had wide open.
ZAK APPEARS IN A PHYSICAL FORM …. NEXT…. stay tuned….. this has been hard to put in writing, I originally wanted to have it to you every week, but more patience is required of myself and I am honoring it. I have to write it in parts and make sure I am grounded, in my healing, meditating and being diligent with my life going forward…..
I can tell you this much more before the next part… I am divinely placed to radically share my light to the world and I will NEVER STOP!