Part 3 “Changed Forever”

The Universe belongs to us all in abundance, the resource of all healing, understanding, unconditional love and freedom to explore more, when we are open to more, more opens to us!

~Kerri Elizabeth~

Down a dirt road…..

In a space where my wounds were opened and Mother Natures land held me and the skies enveloped me and Zak(my forever 24 year old son in heaven) confirmed his presence to show me the way.

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It was an early cold morning, a long night talking with Zak, trusting he had my back. Things were different inside me this morning and I felt like Zak had my hand.

I didn’t know what I was doing or what was about to happen, but I knew it was going to change me forever.

Just as Zak told me it would.

No words were said, an uncomfortable silence lead the morning. A story that would change my life that day arose. I roared from an inner flight or fight, everything inside, that had been bottled up, unshared, unheard and undone was ready to fight for me, finally.

I erupted from a silence inside, every emotion spilled out like a waterfall. It was spilling out of every cell of me, frustration and silence were completely uncapped, there was a break down that soon gave me ground for a break through and the universe said, “Lets DO this!”

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This is where it gets sticky, where someone else is involved and blame can be placed. However when you blame, you give away your power to shift your lesson into wisdom. I surrendered into it and let it eject from my core with the force it was demanding. It was time to shift and that meant inviting source energy to swirl me in gratitude for the moment presented.

It was about gratitude not blame, it was about standing in my truth and my power and allowing the universe to fill me with the natural emotions I was honored to experience and I was trusted to assimilate it all, so I could eventually share it.

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THEN…..My entire life felt as if it stopped, for a second, panic, I embraced it, for a second anger, I embraced it, for a second, blame, I embraced it, for a second I wandered too far into someone else’s story and needed to get back to mine.

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Ultimately it’s what is inside you that creates your view. What I saw next, was a new view, and I felt Zak say, “mom I got you”.

I looked around and the silence and serenity was one with me and all that nature offered was a part of me.

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I drove my car down the long bumpy dirt road, missing the potholes that were gracefully placed. One wrong turn of my steering wheel meant I could bottom out and rip the under carriage among other things in my car.

I had no phone service where I was and although that wasn’t a big deal to me, I knew I needed someone to be on the other line as I experienced the shock waves barreling though me.

I looked up and the dust of his truck disappeared, the engine I could no longer hear, I called and he answered, what was said next, shot me into a slow motion reality and then the phone was silent.

I was frozen in time, and I will tell you this part of the lesson is so

deep for me.

Telling one side and leaving the other side only in my journal has been something I have truly had to dig deep into before deciding. How do I tell just one part without the other, it all creates the total story, of love, loss and devastation, learning, living, creating and reinventing, or does it?

We all have a journey we must travel and for me, my journey is to stay present in my own healing because that is ultimately where I have freedom to be me, all of me! Thats where I am empowered and transformed, thats where change is made.

At the end of the day, did I live my truth, fully and without hesitation? 

Did I love with all of me?

At the end of the day, do I feel good about who I am?

Life is our experiences and what we learn from them is up to us.

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I live to the fullest and I love to the fullest. I also am hurt easily, super sensitive and I never want to hurt anyone. I’m an old soul empath and a Libra to the core, hurting anyone is the most painful thing to me and I use to own it in my own worth.

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NOT ANYMORE!

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This is one of my biggest challenges I have been doing the work on for years now. Not owning others pain, walking with them, not for them. It took me years to see this and I practice it daily, living in the present moment and asking myself, am I willing to feel it fully to heal it fully? Is it mine to heal or shall I return to sender?

I made it to the end of the dirt road carefully and took a left making it about 1/4 mile, I felt my body give way, I had no air to breathe, my chest caved in and panic and shock set in. I pulled over and went down another dirt road to cry and scream and to just let go.

I finally had service on my phone here. I called my mentor who is an energetic healer.

My panic said it all, I needed immediate energy help, I spilled out the finer details and then needed to get off the phone. I felt immediately sick and needed to scream to the heavens. I hung up and fell to the ground surrendering all of me.

I wept harder than ever on my hands and knees in the dirt and screamed to the heavens, I surrender, I don’t want anymore pain please, take me, make me, do whatever, just please no more, no more. Whatever I have to do, help me create a new path, a look outlook.

I called my mentor back and just set the phone down unable to talk. THENNNNNNNNNNN.…….. in the mountains in Utah in the hills, set nestled into the trees of a path less traveled a fighter jet flew so low and right above me I could see the details,( Utah trees where I was, were short) then another, the ground rocked, my car shook, my angel kitty took cover and I burst into tears. It was Zak, and not just one but 4 or 5 I’m still not totally sure the number but my friend said to me on the phone, its Zak. Thats Zak and if I wasn’t on the other line I’m not sure even I would believe what just happen.

In Zak’s honest engine voice, he said, ” mom what I couldn’t change on earth I can intercept from heaven, because your my mom.” I chose you to be my mom and my place as your son is never done. He continued to share with me so much more. I pulled up my boot straps and explored and wrote. This journey had just begun for me, it wasn’t just a Zak healing anymore, Zak was with me, he laid out a plan and it just kept rolling. I followed and along the way a fighter jet would confirm to me I was going the right way.

You see when Zak took his last breathe, a fight jet rocked my world as I crawled outside and laid lifeless and frozen for hours before I could move again. After he crossed over I took a long drive to my favorite place on earth. He continued to show up in fighter jets among other signs that came left and right. This one has shown up at the oddest times and places but the perfect times and places for me.

I can go on and on about Zak’s presence with me, my journey and all the signs he was so close, but this moment in perfect timing, in a fully traumatized state on my knees in the mountains of Utah in the exact second I surrendered fully, right above me, close enough to see details, he showed up to confirm to me, he intercepted my path and changed my view, exactly what I asked for at exactly the same timing.

Confirmation, we have only the power we allow!

Zak lives on and there is never a day he does not show up…………………..

Zak took me back to every space on that 40 day journey that needed restoration and a new view and we healed it all.

I am free to be ME!

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Change or Grow / Part 1 of 3 parts

You are the extension of energy that remains and never dies, it is never lost and never achieved, you are the gift everyday I receive!

~Kerri Elizabeth~

This will be a journey to follow the next couple weekly additions…………… Sit back, grab a cup of tea and be present with me……………………..

How is everyone doing? Summer is officially here where I live and I love it. Sunshine is where I thrive most. It charges me up in every way, it’s when I am the most inspired and the most energized.

I love to adventure not just the world but my heart, what is it telling me, what does it need to grow more?

How am I serving it in the best way possible?

To adventure your heart is to adventure life, all you know is what’s there. Take another step past there and bare your curiosity and tenacity to share.

Have you ever thought about where there is for you and if you’re interested in more?

I have been stretching myself in many areas I was resistant about before, listening to what my heart says, when I am in a busy place, what does it tell me when I feel panicked, unsafe, unclear, determined, joyful and all emotions and feelings that run through me?

How is my heart interpreting that emotion or feeling? I ask my mind to support my hearts calling. To help guide me in the most efficient and healthy way possible.

I used to completely resist things that life eventually forced me into. In a grateful way I know my heart over ruled my head and gifted me the opportunity to grow beyond what I know.

Watching and experiencing someone you love suffer, either grows you or overcomes you.

This was not the life I had explored and was optimally prepared for, why would I ever prepare for tragedy to traumatize my life? Life can instantly change, and what I learned is this, it’s you ultimately that decides if you will breathe, stress, give up, give in or let go or allow the emotional holds.

An emotional hold comes from a memory, a scar, a moment in time we feel we can’t change, we dwell and deepen the caverns that pain entered by living there in memory, as if we are shackled to the walls of the trauma. Our systems are changed, our wiring re-arranged, our hearts struggle and our minds shut down, a sort of short curcuiting burns what we used to know and rebuilding is often slow. For some the shackles rust and close and darkness becomes a place where you live and windows don’t exist.

I don’t know why? Each person has the ability to fly, we all have something inside that is divine, however when the darkness is where you hide, light can not enter to find that place so divine. This is a believing your more, something other than the darkness or the light to explore, an energy field that was placed to move anything and everything you choose.

Before Zakary’s body died, I already believed he would still survive, this never waivers. Whether his body is here or not I know he is still alive. I was blessed with a lighthouse inside, I don’t know why, I just know I have it. I can see the light when darkness closes in, my lighthouse shows me the way, its always working, its always leading, its always believing, it’s set, it’s on auto, it’s me, it’s the divine light I choose to be.

Zakary had it too and so do all of my children. It’s not different than everyone else, it is your truth.

Without owning judgements or opinions, traumas and others decisions, without a stereotype, a list of what I may or might, should or shouldn’t, could or couldn’t, without a question or waiver, the light is divinely given and yours to receive. You don’t stand in line waiting to buy it, or need to wait your turn, it is yours to discern, to own, to accept, to rely, to believe, to embrace, to know, to rejoice, to grow.

The lighthouse is not your ticket out of messes or challenges, it is not the ticket to glory or the easy way. It is simply your base, your place to rest, to embrace and know when you stand in your TRUTH, that is the lighthouse that radiates light beyond the darkness you hide your truth.

I want to tell you about a moment in my life where beyond trauma and beyond pain, the lighthouse still remained.

After losing Zakary in the physical form and spending years before working so hard on knowing myself enough to let go of myself, which still takes constant work, this isn’t natural my any means yet. It’s still a foundation I build on daily.

What does it mean to know yourself and let go of yourself?

Stop trying to be more than you are right now, be who you are NOW, being present in this place is where you can let go, so energy flows and change occurs and now is never missed. When I learned this, I was able to receive a divine connection with Zak and energy started to flow so differently.

Until I accepted who I was now and quit living in when, where, how, should, shouldn’t and somehow, that blessed resistance that keeps us out of now and into later, when and if. You know, the place we question and persist into because the moment is uncomfortable and we want more NOW. The place you try to live in another’s expectation of space, time and success.

Listen to that!

I listened to the aching and crying , the deepest pain and agony of my life, my son suffering. I never wanted to accept he could die, I could not grasp that at all. I just wanted so bad to let go of the pain and be present in knowing every feeling and connecting with Zak so that I would never miss a moment in the now because I was so scared of never finding somehow.

The part of me believing he would live and the determination of a mother to fight for her child’s life with all her might was mighty and present. However, there was also another part I fought with (the darkness), what if I couldn’t find the cure, what if he left resenting me for being his mom, because I couldn’t fix it?

OMG, I can tell you there was not an emotion I didn’t feel. Somehow the depth of me was dug out with a bulldozer and filled with fear, desperation, shame, guilt, how the hell would I make it through losing a child, what did I do or not do, would I die too, would I stop breathing and my other children experience the loss of a brother and a mom?

How could I stop this downhill slide and more importantly how could I hide it from anyone, let alone my kids, that didn’t benefit from their mom losing her ground, her mind and her peace and support for them?

The lighthouse never turned off, despite the dark caverns and storms, lightening, earthquakes and tsunamis of the inner self.

Finally ,we knew, we surrendered to what our fears had to show us. It was a rocky road, face plants, arguments, space invasion, fear we drew near, loss of ourselves, a separation from now into an adrenaline rushing pain you don’t escape. You have to face it or die without ever embracing what it has to show you.

Through this we gained a silent connection that spoke louder than any words could ever come close to.

I could cry my eyes out miles away and Zak would text me and say, “mom are you ok?” I could ask a question in my mind and Zak would text me and say,”mom I can hear you.” This is just a couple of the many times we had this type of thing happen. We had many talks about the connection and our ability to hear one another even when we weren’t right by each other.

I wanted so bad to know that I would never lose this connection, whether he stayed or if he left. It became our gift to one another, a knowing and allowing to give and receive love beyond what the human body could comprehend.

He is my connection, he is my child, my extension of love, how could we not have it. Instead of surrendering into my own truth, I realized I had surrendered into the fear of religion that all of this happening wasn’t possible. That somehow there was a separation between God and all that has been created and words defined and expressed what my heart never could accept.

MY HEART KNEW MORE!

This changed everything, our worlds opened, there was no longer 4 walls dictating our destiny, our purpose, our truth. This is where years of religion and dogma disappeared, where the shackles of judgments and opinion and fear instilled into our bones was shifted.

Divine love, infinite possibilities became the path less traveled. God did not limit us to a book or a word, a feeling or a demand. God does not make us suffer or ridicule and judge us. God does not instill fear into us. God is LOVE. God is not looking down at you pointing in direct discipline and directing disease and traumas at you because you deserve it. God created us all and gave us choice, a collective participating ability to work together or not.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Example: You can raise your kids as perfect as you believe and they can still go a completely different direction. This is not God making it happen, this is Gods creation of energy flow and motion, action and reaction.

Its given as your gift to accept or resist, either choice is movement, grow or change, be present or die resisting.

You were not created with so much more than you know on accident, life is a collective responsibility and an energetic connection between us all that is not separated and is experienced through every single persons reaction and action collectively. Like it or not we are connected and what we each do affects our collective space.

When you decide to arrive in the NOW you will feel the divine connection to flow more freely into each now more and more presently, this is where you grow.

To be Continued………………………… Zak arrived AGAIN in the mountains of Utah in the biggest, no mistaking present way, where I was off the grid, no service and vulnerable to the elements of emotion and mother nature’s decisions, 16 degrees at night and ice on the inside of my car among a few other elements that make this ride one forcing me into the presence of my deepest truths.

A traumatic moment in time occurred and Zak showed up and shifted a trauma into my greatest opportunity for growth…………………………….

Part 2 …. Zak is very much alive!

SUNSHINE

Weekly Addition #5

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 Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.

~Brene Brown~

  How do you show up for yourself daily?

Healing from anything takes times and kindness to self. I’m about to spill some serious information and things I have done this last 8 months healing from the loss of my 24-year-old son, who left this earth without any lack of suffering from Leukemia.

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I never could have imagined in my wildest nightmares what losing a child could do to you. Brene Brown wrote that amazing quote and it’s perfect, it requires a full reorientation of just about every detail of life.

In reorienting, (I’m definitely still in the process), I consider myself to be farther at this stage than expected, for some very important reasons.

I stopped allowing other people to tell me, when, how, or what I was supposed to feel like and I took off on a road trip for 40 days and nights and intended on being inspired and I was that times a million.

It’s not the decision everyone would make. I felt like if I didn’t do something drastic and push myself I wasn’t going to get up at all one day.

The trip had emotional challenges that whooped my ever loving ass and Zak arrived in a fighter jet to confirm I was going to make it as if he planned it all. He knew when, how and the exact moment to show up and it wasn’t with anything less than IMPACT.

Being so vulnerable and so disoriented meant remote quiet areas were a must and just diving into Mother Earth’s beauty was critical, she reflected back to me the beauty I had forgotten in myself and opened creative spaces that had slammed shut.

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The disorientation started for me the day I found out Zak had 95% cancer in his body 5 years ago and in a day all our lives were changed. Nothing was the same, NOT one thing. It was like I entered a new world and the rest was left behind.

Fast forward to the last 8 months……I  knew specific nutrition to get through the trauma I experienced. Be conscious of what you’re going through and evaluate the changes you need to get the best results.

Food Matters Recipes has some amazing recipes and information that will blow your mind, don’t tiptoe – dive in and explore the beauty of transforming your food into giving your body what it deserves.

Here are some Food Matters interviews on the subjects of healthy bodies and minds, dedicate some time to health education.

Gift yourself continual stretching and functional movement,  invest in yourself.

 

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 Allow your body the opportunity to do its best for you.  I am dedicated to this without fail and it has given me back ten-fold, DocJenFit.thinkific.com, she offers courses like The Mobility Method, The Optimal Body, and Grateful for Mobility Challenge. I do all of these but pick one and just commit to 10 mins a day! 

YOU’RE WORTH IT!

I’m sharing this because, through trauma and stressful situations, this is something you can control. I know with all my heart that if I didn’t do these things my health would be suffering greatly.

Thank your body daily for all it does for you!

You won’t escape stress, heartache and a few hard knocks, at least I don’t know anyone that has. I suppose its possible, but what a  bummer to not experience pain, how would you ever appreciate joy?

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Part of my life passion is to help as many people as I can into movement. Movement your face if you cant move anything else and start from the head down.

 

YOU’RE WORTH IT!

One of my other favorites you can do anywhere, anytime and since I have been doing this I have grown leaps and bounds, is the Tapping Solution,  I watched this documentary on The Tapping Solution, and it changed everything for me.

YOU’RE WORTH IT!

Releasing the less-than-positive self-chatter first is key to your healing forward. This might surprise you. I’m NOT a law of attraction fanatic, I’m an earth loving, soul driven, nature-inspired lover, of life and if anyone can make a rainbow from tears it’s me. However, in order to attract the positive, you must heal the negative, acknowledge it, face the truth and release it to make room for all you want to attract.

YOU’RE WORTH IT!

Are you walking around covering your own self-shitty talk with a mask of denial? Face it as your truth and then love yourself unconditionally forward. It’s acceptance and freedom to be empowered right where you are so you can attract what you want and have room for it to arrive.

YOU’RE WORTH IT!

Don’t let anyone tell you, “just be positive” when you don’t feel that way, we already know that part, its common sense. Having it in your face is simply the same as putting your hand up in front of someone’s face and telling them you’re not interested in their truth or authenticity, but if they put on a mask to please you, they will be fine.

Who is this fine for?

Be you in all your beautiful forms, sad, mad, angry, blissful, joyful, blessed, excited, fearful, tenacious, tender, grateful, generous and so much more. These are emotions, have them, embrace them, nurture their evolution of changing, rearranging and creating new spaces for growth.

Here’s another amazing enlighting experience for free www.jovianarchive.com/Human_Design/Why This gave me a wonderful foundation and confirmation of my strengths and weaknesses I was born with and how to work better with my personality type. I’m a manifester, one of 9% of people, this is just a small part of the genetic and energetic make up you will get to know in your chart, to help you create the best success for yourself and it’s fun and interesting.

YOU’RE WORTH IT!

It must all flow to grow!

SUNSHINE

 

Interpretation of the Cracks

#sunshine #Kerrielizabeth

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Birth in all things holds a story, interpretation reflects the view from inside you.

~Kerri Elizabeth~

 

In the crackle of this clay

I hear it say

Behold my wonderous earth

Living minerals you have birthed

I choose this place to be my home

Rising I surrender to you

A flower shape as I emerge

Under your hot sunny sky

Universe

In the kiln of life

Set me to be aligned just right

Sunshine

Destination You

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You are your own destination!

~Kerri Elizabeth~

 

Live your greatest life

Morning and night

Meet the unknown every day

Riding riptides of good vibes

Facing inner fears

Open without reluctance

Celebrate and shutter in passion

Raise the bar to the stars

SUNSHINE

 

 

#yougettochoose
#imagineitcreateitfeelitbeit
#sharesmilesandwearlove
#gypsysoulandaramblinkitten
#bornforleavin #ontheroadagain
#ourangel

LAKE OF GRATITUDE

Awareness of the heart requires surrendering thoughts!

~Kerri Elizabeth~

Rain drops

An expression

Unmixed with thoughts

Purely emotion surrendering

Concentrated attention

Immersed in awareness

Behold my heart

Hijack my pain

Turn it into rain

May that lake

Be named….. Gratitude

SUNSHINE

Happy Birthday to the Greatest Man Ever, MY SON!

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Zakary Ryan taught not to believe in the opinions of others, but to deeply believe the depth of your own true worth! 

~MY SON ZAKMAN~

His laughter infectious

His joy, uplifting

His outlook radiated champion

His love unconditional

His emotions deeper than the sea

His spirit beyond the human body’s capacity

His gifts moved the planet

He moved with creativity and challenged your thoughts

His soul shared unchartered truths

He pushed the limits and courageously lived

His name forever in my heart

His birth forever my gift of life

His presence and guidance always with me

His voice clearly speaks to me

His journey forever a part of my destiny

My protector, my teacher, my guide

His smile is my sunshine

My baby, my boy, my son, my child, my heartbeat

Thank you for making your appearance 25 years ago on this day

My life has been forever blessed and deeply changed because you chose me as your Momma!

You have shown me a depth I could never have reached or a strength I could never achieve without you!

YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE!

LISTEN WITH OPENNESS INTO THE HEART AND THOUGHTS OF A MAN (my son) WHO FOUGHT  HARD TO LEAVE A MESSAGE THROUGH HIS JOURNEY!

The first two songs are close to our hearts, we played them at Zaks memorial and he sang them with his great power all growing up with hands in the air! This boy has a journey and it won’t stop here, trust me as his momma, he has no stop button so watch out he’s making changes!

I Believe I can fly!

Worlds Greatest!

Zaks story/ Raw truths/Unfiltered

I am not a human/ By Zak

Running/ by Zak/ unfiltered

Intro./ Unfiltered and Raw

Divine Petal

With honor to the heart, acknowledgement to the mind and soul trust, forgiveness and love become one!

~Kerri Elizabeth~

 

Previous to petals

Once a seed

Divinely placed

Reminding me

To love vibrantly

Caress kindness

Shatter anger

Crack the code

Happiness is there to hold

Blooming masterpiece

Beautiful and bold

Behind the eye

The heart it holds

Sunshine in this space!

FALL TO COLOR

Surrendering defense heals the wounds of yesterday and builds strength now!

~Kerri Elizabeth~

 

Fall into the dimensions of tranquility

Revel in the four seasons

Emotional framework surrounds the color change

While significant contrast interprets each drop of rain

Leaves fall away with a side to side sway

Softly passing each branch on the way

Preparation meets opportunity to grow

Nature abundantly overflows

Highlights of winter inquiring their stay

Each season fulfilling their days

Offering knowledge wrapped in change

Surrendering possibility ,blossoming exchange

Soulful Courage

Where your soul pulls you, that’s where courage is.

~Kerri Elizabeth~

There will moments you have to let go

No thoughts, just let go

Times your heart needs to rest

Your mind stops

Your body resigns to the pull and lets go

Where you have given all you can

And the design changes you within

When we allow those moments to flow

There a loss of control

A fear takes hold

Vulnerability will breathe near

Peace will disappear

Then hope rises

Pain and grief need safety and love to breathe

Judgement must be erased and love embraced

SUNSHINE