Is life experiencing you or are you experiencing life
The rejection dance…..
I hurt so I’ll take time away
I’m mad so I’d rather not talk
I’m in pain so I want to be alone
I’m busy so hold on
I’m overwhelmed I’ll talk to you later
My phones ringing
The kids are screaming
My spouse needs me
My boss is calling
My animals are waiting to be fed
I have to walk the dogs
The kids have activities
I have to make dinner
I have to do laundry
I need to vacuum
I have to get papers in order
I need to post on social media at least for business
I have to workout
I need to mow the lawn
Pick up dog poop
Weed the gardens
We need groceries
My cars a mess
The garbage has to go out
Oh ya I need a shower
Do I have time to wash my hair this week
I need a coffee
I forgot I had that appointment
Oh no I double booked myself
Oh ya the event
Oh shoot I have three meetings this week
A to do list that goes three pages
I need to call my parents
Oh ya I have to help my parents
My kids want time
My friends need time
My spouse needs time
So rejection follows
It dances in the hearts of our loved ones
Life events own you
There is no control
Your controlling, controlling your schedule
Who needs that, just text
There’s an app for everything
Download another one, it’ll keep you in touch
Watch your favorites by video
Touching or hugs get you arrested
Gestures are all lost in assumption
Give and take has been crammed into a Marco polo app
There is no time for kids to experience nature
Grandparents are no longer a legacy
Unless you live within 10 miles
There is no time for the silence that heals you
Where is everyone at dinner
There are no family dinners
Phones are not on walls
They are permanently attached to the body with fancy phone attachments
Everyone is a life coach and everyone has an answer
In laws and outlaws fight for holidays
Children wait for gifts and have no idea moments are priceless
Holidays are an eruption of anxiety and arguing over schedules
Splitting each human into more pieces
Nature is no longer a way of life
Real food doesn’t grow its scientifically modified
Fast food and fantasy are peoples truth
Farms, barns and real labor are almost extinct
It’s a life children see on an iPad
It’s a google search so not to get dirty
It will just add more work to the daily routine
I need an island vacation
I need another vacation from my vacation
I miss the kids
Wish you were still at the island
Where is prayer
Where is God
Oh ya I forgot my prayers
Hurried through life
Then, there I was in front of my King
Humbled and unable to change a thing
I missed my mother’s face
My father’s hug
My children never experienced summers at their grandparents
My hair is grey
My muscle tone escaped
My brain is slower
I’m unsure what happen
I missed it
I was too busy being busy to realize I could have been living
I have so much to say on this subject, our legacy of life is getting lost in cell phones, iPads, computers and conversation is luck of the draw. Social media connects us but it does NOT CONNECT us! Busy schedules push you through your day so you can get a one week vacation to want another when you get back.
Kids are too busy now days to learn what a farm is, to plant real food, to hike in the mountains and experience where fire wood comes from. Knives are not allowed anymore to carve sticks and create something from nature. REAL guns aren’t allowed so we buy our kids toy guns and tell them at the same time guns are bad.
Food is so modified our children don’t even know what real food is anymore, they think the modification means real. We have no idea who is a boy or a girl anymore and wonder why our society is so confused.
I don’t usually burst out of my sunshine in to a human rant of frustration but life is for LIVING and experiencing and I cant believe the changes in how I grew up to now and the changes that are driving America to DEVASTATION!
Surrender to the flow of change, letting go is freedom, it is inevitably happening for you not to you.
Surrendered to this moment and day
Feeling every wave
Lost and finally found
Grounded in natures heartbeat
Experiencing intrinsic wonder
Winding winds weave through emotionally spread wings
Blue seems to cocoon the earth with new possibilities
Air and water sway creating a melody of passion
An awakening arrives
As times illusive hand has disappeared
Wrapped within the unlimited realm and unsevered space
In the Gap
Every emotion felt has grown from an experience past, waiting to be set free at last!
The urge to sustain in an experience past
To flutter in the moment pleading it to last
Wandering into the crevasses of anywhere
Filling the cracks one at time with life
Otherness becomes clear
Visualizations take shape and appear
Truth and courage trump fears
Like a wish in the breeze
Setting every emotion free
How super fantastic your world can be
The Universe belongs to us all in abundance, the resource of all healing, understanding, unconditional love and freedom to explore more, when we are open to more, more opens to us!
Down a dirt road…..
In a space where my wounds were opened and Mother Natures land held me and the skies enveloped me and Zak(my forever 24 year old son in heaven) confirmed his presence to show me the way.
It was an early cold morning, a long night talking with Zak, trusting he had my back. Things were different inside me this morning and I felt like Zak had my hand.
I didn’t know what I was doing or what was about to happen, but I knew it was going to change me forever.
Just as Zak told me it would.
No words were said, an uncomfortable silence lead the morning. A story that would change my life that day arose. I roared from an inner flight or fight, everything inside, that had been bottled up, unshared, unheard and undone was ready to fight for me, finally.
I erupted from a silence inside, every emotion spilled out like a waterfall. It was spilling out of every cell of me, frustration and silence were completely uncapped, there was a break down that soon gave me ground for a break through and the universe said, “Lets DO this!”
This is where it gets sticky, where someone else is involved and blame can be placed. However when you blame, you give away your power to shift your lesson into wisdom. I surrendered into it and let it eject from my core with the force it was demanding. It was time to shift and that meant inviting source energy to swirl me in gratitude for the moment presented.
It was about gratitude not blame, it was about standing in my truth and my power and allowing the universe to fill me with the natural emotions I was honored to experience and I was trusted to assimilate it all, so I could eventually share it.
THEN…..My entire life felt as if it stopped, for a second, panic, I embraced it, for a second anger, I embraced it, for a second, blame, I embraced it, for a second I wandered too far into someone else’s story and needed to get back to mine.
Ultimately it’s what is inside you that creates your view. What I saw next, was a new view, and I felt Zak say, “mom I got you”.
I looked around and the silence and serenity was one with me and all that nature offered was a part of me.
I drove my car down the long bumpy dirt road, missing the potholes that were gracefully placed. One wrong turn of my steering wheel meant I could bottom out and rip the under carriage among other things in my car.
I had no phone service where I was and although that wasn’t a big deal to me, I knew I needed someone to be on the other line as I experienced the shock waves barreling though me.
I looked up and the dust of his truck disappeared, the engine I could no longer hear, I called and he answered, what was said next, shot me into a slow motion reality and then the phone was silent.
I was frozen in time, and I will tell you this part of the lesson is so
deep for me.
Telling one side and leaving the other side only in my journal has been something I have truly had to dig deep into before deciding. How do I tell just one part without the other, it all creates the total story, of love, loss and devastation, learning, living, creating and reinventing, or does it?
We all have a journey we must travel and for me, my journey is to stay present in my own healing because that is ultimately where I have freedom to be me, all of me! Thats where I am empowered and transformed, thats where change is made.
At the end of the day, did I live my truth, fully and without hesitation?
Did I love with all of me?
At the end of the day, do I feel good about who I am?
Life is our experiences and what we learn from them is up to us.
I live to the fullest and I love to the fullest. I also am hurt easily, super sensitive and I never want to hurt anyone. I’m an old soul empath and a Libra to the core, hurting anyone is the most painful thing to me and I use to own it in my own worth.
This is one of my biggest challenges I have been doing the work on for years now. Not owning others pain, walking with them, not for them. It took me years to see this and I practice it daily, living in the present moment and asking myself, am I willing to feel it fully to heal it fully? Is it mine to heal or shall I return to sender?
I made it to the end of the dirt road carefully and took a left making it about 1/4 mile, I felt my body give way, I had no air to breathe, my chest caved in and panic and shock set in. I pulled over and went down another dirt road to cry and scream and to just let go.
I finally had service on my phone here. I called my mentor who is an energetic healer.
My panic said it all, I needed immediate energy help, I spilled out the finer details and then needed to get off the phone. I felt immediately sick and needed to scream to the heavens. I hung up and fell to the ground surrendering all of me.
I wept harder than ever on my hands and knees in the dirt and screamed to the heavens, I surrender, I don’t want anymore pain please, take me, make me, do whatever, just please no more, no more. Whatever I have to do, help me create a new path, a look outlook.
I called my mentor back and just set the phone down unable to talk. THENNNNNNNNNNN.…….. in the mountains in Utah in the hills, set nestled into the trees of a path less traveled a fighter jet flew so low and right above me I could see the details,( Utah trees where I was, were short) then another, the ground rocked, my car shook, my angel kitty took cover and I burst into tears. It was Zak, and not just one but 4 or 5 I’m still not totally sure the number but my friend said to me on the phone, its Zak. Thats Zak and if I wasn’t on the other line I’m not sure even I would believe what just happen.
In Zak’s honest engine voice, he said, ” mom what I couldn’t change on earth I can intercept from heaven, because your my mom.” I chose you to be my mom and my place as your son is never done. He continued to share with me so much more. I pulled up my boot straps and explored and wrote. This journey had just begun for me, it wasn’t just a Zak healing anymore, Zak was with me, he laid out a plan and it just kept rolling. I followed and along the way a fighter jet would confirm to me I was going the right way.
You see when Zak took his last breathe, a fight jet rocked my world as I crawled outside and laid lifeless and frozen for hours before I could move again. After he crossed over I took a long drive to my favorite place on earth. He continued to show up in fighter jets among other signs that came left and right. This one has shown up at the oddest times and places but the perfect times and places for me.
I can go on and on about Zak’s presence with me, my journey and all the signs he was so close, but this moment in perfect timing, in a fully traumatized state on my knees in the mountains of Utah in the exact second I surrendered fully, right above me, close enough to see details, he showed up to confirm to me, he intercepted my path and changed my view, exactly what I asked for at exactly the same timing.
Confirmation, we have only the power we allow!
Zak lives on and there is never a day he does not show up…………………..
Zak took me back to every space on that 40 day journey that needed restoration and a new view and we healed it all.
I am free to be ME!
The right way to wholeness is made up of fateful detours and wrong turnings.
Soak me in the rain
Hydrate what remains
Spin me in the rainbows
Wash me in the sea
Cleanse me in the galaxies
Shiver and shake free
Feel natures intensity
Angels wings spread out like a net to fall
I can trust again in it all
Create me new again
Scatter musical notes with healing hopes
Twinkles in the eyes
Reflect to me I’m Revived
In every space the purpose is the present, be fully in it!
Hello to you all and thank you ahead of time for reading my soul writing and I hope in someway it will inspire you.
If you are struggling with something from the present or past, a relationship, work, family, finances, loss or loneliness, anger or frustration among other emotions that fester before healed, may this shine light on at least one of these and it be healed and forgiven because it can.
Part 2 of a long journey……………
Deep in the woods of Utah, above the hot sun line where snow still laid on the ground and ice blanketed the windows in my car at night. It was early Feb. toward the end of a 40 day journey on the road through 5 states, that shifted me in ways I wasn’t prepared for but completely open for.
I knew my life was going to change the minute I decided to hit the road and leave all I knew to Mother nature’s grand healing, hugs and invitation to be open to the elements of surprise.
Zak (my son)told me to leave two months before and I resisted for reasons that were less important than healing the loss of my child. The grief was setting in deep, loss, loneliness and a depression I have never experienced (I had zero tendencies to depression and always had a smile, UNTIL….my child died).
This was an eye opener as to what a trauma of 5 constant years of watching your child suffer and not being able to find an answer and then watching him pass while holding one hand, his wife another and my youngest daughter holding his head as comfortable as she could. He literally was suffocating and struggling to breathe on his way out. Horrifying to experience.
He didn’t want to miss a moment and be so medicated and on hospice he didn’t feel life.
He felt life to the last breathe in the most painful ways, but he felt it, he didn’t resist it, he wanted life more than death and used all he was given.
This isn’t going to sound like SUNSHINE right off the bat, but please stick with me, it’s all an adventure through darkness with a light that never dies.
This is the partial story that sent me packing. Move, do something big, drastic and different or stay in the story of trauma and agony. I chose MORE! Zak was not my only struggle to get through. I was also years into a relationship that offered more lessons to me than any relationship has ever gifted me in my entire life. I won’t talk about this part for now and never in depth because it’s one side and I know, I truly and fully loved, thats all that matters here.
I can tell you this, it was one of those relationships that challenge who you are to your very core, that hold your highest highs and deepest lows.
I chose my life and who I spent it with, we don’t get to choose our consequences most often though, but we do have the opportunity to choose our actions and how we show up for our consequences.
Consequences usually include an action that is tied to or involves others lives and ideas, hence not having control over the entire picture.
We can’t change others, only ourselves, however, so often we enable others by trying to heal wounds that aren’t ours, or compare and demand fairness, whatever that is for you, and we end up enabling ourselves and missing our own lessons completely.
This part of the journey is about my own lessons and what I have been so fortunate to learn, I have no control over anything else.
I woke this particular morning knowing this day would be a different day, I had spent the entire trip writing about what I wanted in my life, how I wanted to show up for myself and what that would take for me. I honestly couldn’t make sense of much else, other than making sure I ate right and monitored my well being on the day I left, Dec. 30th.
I just knew my life was different and was about to change even more.
It had to be different and putting it into words as I write even still is difficult. I feel it all so deep, no words seem to explain it at the depth I feel it.
It was a freezing cold morning in my Buick Encore, a thought out organized cozy space inside with all I needed to travel, sleep and be comfortable wherever I was and feel safe and secure inside when I chose any off the beaten path areas. This particular space was definitely off the beaten path, in a secret off the grid magical space filled with wonder, like a fairytale. It felt surreal to me, and honestly at this point everything was surreal and not just in beautiful ways.
My kitten Angel was always with me, she went everywhere with me since she was 6 weeks old, so she loved traveling and exploring anywhere and everywhere.
The night before, Zak clearly told me as I was locked in my car, to just be calm and get my computer out. Mind you I had been off the grid and off electricity for some time now and the chances of my computer working was zero, it was cold, draining every battery I had and I hadn’t charged it in weeks. I didn’t even have a charged phone or service where I was. Zak persisted with me to open it, so I did. Sure enough when I opened it, music started playing, music I didn’t even know was on my computer and it was music I wasn’t familiar with, but it all had a purpose and a reason for me at that moment.
I listened for two solid hours and Zak told me to start writing what I was feeling.
I couldn’t write fast enough, it was flowing like lava through my fingers onto the keyboard. It was dark outside and it was cold and I was snuggled in tight with Angel in gratitude for the anxious knowing my life was about to change drastically.
I fell asleep finally, hours after the music and the writing and the constant appreciation that was pouring out of me for whatever was next.
I hit my wall of tolerance to stand in darkness any longer, I wasn’t going down depressed and I wasn’t going down as a victim to anyone, including myself.
I had control of what I wanted in my life going forward and the lighthouse was beaming non stop with light beams that ONLY pointed in the direction I was to trust without question. That included using my voice again with power and strength and trust whatever came out was exactly what was meant to.
I woke up with a new outlook, Zak had my back, he played music for 2 hours teaching me, empowering me, filling me with zest for life again, telling me it was all going to be ok, he had my back.
No matter what happened at this point I had a powerful extension of me working from another dimension. I trusted 100% Zak had it all planned and the consequences were going to be rough but they were going to be worth every second of the pain, agony, defeat, darkness, crawling and shattered torn feeling I was about to experience.
I had no idea that the consequences to my voice would be to experience the rest of the adventure alone in the mountains of Utah off the grid with no phone service suddenly, and that I would literally be in the hands of Mother Nature and God and trusting all I had manifested and opened my heart to was going to tear every wound I ever had wide open.
ZAK APPEARS IN A PHYSICAL FORM …. NEXT…. stay tuned….. this has been hard to put in writing, I originally wanted to have it to you every week, but more patience is required of myself and I am honoring it. I have to write it in parts and make sure I am grounded, in my healing, meditating and being diligent with my life going forward…..
I can tell you this much more before the next part… I am divinely placed to radically share my light to the world and I will NEVER STOP!
You are the extension of energy that remains and never dies, it is never lost and never achieved, you are the gift everyday I receive!
This will be a journey to follow the next couple weekly additions…………… Sit back, grab a cup of tea and be present with me……………………..
How is everyone doing? Summer is officially here where I live and I love it. Sunshine is where I thrive most. It charges me up in every way, it’s when I am the most inspired and the most energized.
I love to adventure not just the world but my heart, what is it telling me, what does it need to grow more?
How am I serving it in the best way possible?
To adventure your heart is to adventure life, all you know is what’s there. Take another step past there and bare your curiosity and tenacity to share.
Have you ever thought about where there is for you and if you’re interested in more?
I have been stretching myself in many areas I was resistant about before, listening to what my heart says, when I am in a busy place, what does it tell me when I feel panicked, unsafe, unclear, determined, joyful and all emotions and feelings that run through me?
How is my heart interpreting that emotion or feeling? I ask my mind to support my hearts calling. To help guide me in the most efficient and healthy way possible.
I used to completely resist things that life eventually forced me into. In a grateful way I know my heart over ruled my head and gifted me the opportunity to grow beyond what I know.
Watching and experiencing someone you love suffer, either grows you or overcomes you.
This was not the life I had explored and was optimally prepared for, why would I ever prepare for tragedy to traumatize my life? Life can instantly change, and what I learned is this, it’s you ultimately that decides if you will breathe, stress, give up, give in or let go or allow the emotional holds.
An emotional hold comes from a memory, a scar, a moment in time we feel we can’t change, we dwell and deepen the caverns that pain entered by living there in memory, as if we are shackled to the walls of the trauma. Our systems are changed, our wiring re-arranged, our hearts struggle and our minds shut down, a sort of short curcuiting burns what we used to know and rebuilding is often slow. For some the shackles rust and close and darkness becomes a place where you live and windows don’t exist.
I don’t know why? Each person has the ability to fly, we all have something inside that is divine, however when the darkness is where you hide, light can not enter to find that place so divine. This is a believing your more, something other than the darkness or the light to explore, an energy field that was placed to move anything and everything you choose.
Before Zakary’s body died, I already believed he would still survive, this never waivers. Whether his body is here or not I know he is still alive. I was blessed with a lighthouse inside, I don’t know why, I just know I have it. I can see the light when darkness closes in, my lighthouse shows me the way, its always working, its always leading, its always believing, it’s set, it’s on auto, it’s me, it’s the divine light I choose to be.
Zakary had it too and so do all of my children. It’s not different than everyone else, it is your truth.
Without owning judgements or opinions, traumas and others decisions, without a stereotype, a list of what I may or might, should or shouldn’t, could or couldn’t, without a question or waiver, the light is divinely given and yours to receive. You don’t stand in line waiting to buy it, or need to wait your turn, it is yours to discern, to own, to accept, to rely, to believe, to embrace, to know, to rejoice, to grow.
The lighthouse is not your ticket out of messes or challenges, it is not the ticket to glory or the easy way. It is simply your base, your place to rest, to embrace and know when you stand in your TRUTH, that is the lighthouse that radiates light beyond the darkness you hide your truth.
I want to tell you about a moment in my life where beyond trauma and beyond pain, the lighthouse still remained.
After losing Zakary in the physical form and spending years before working so hard on knowing myself enough to let go of myself, which still takes constant work, this isn’t natural my any means yet. It’s still a foundation I build on daily.
What does it mean to know yourself and let go of yourself?
Stop trying to be more than you are right now, be who you are NOW, being present in this place is where you can let go, so energy flows and change occurs and now is never missed. When I learned this, I was able to receive a divine connection with Zak and energy started to flow so differently.
Until I accepted who I was now and quit living in when, where, how, should, shouldn’t and somehow, that blessed resistance that keeps us out of now and into later, when and if. You know, the place we question and persist into because the moment is uncomfortable and we want more NOW. The place you try to live in another’s expectation of space, time and success.
Listen to that!
I listened to the aching and crying , the deepest pain and agony of my life, my son suffering. I never wanted to accept he could die, I could not grasp that at all. I just wanted so bad to let go of the pain and be present in knowing every feeling and connecting with Zak so that I would never miss a moment in the now because I was so scared of never finding somehow.
The part of me believing he would live and the determination of a mother to fight for her child’s life with all her might was mighty and present. However, there was also another part I fought with (the darkness), what if I couldn’t find the cure, what if he left resenting me for being his mom, because I couldn’t fix it?
OMG, I can tell you there was not an emotion I didn’t feel. Somehow the depth of me was dug out with a bulldozer and filled with fear, desperation, shame, guilt, how the hell would I make it through losing a child, what did I do or not do, would I die too, would I stop breathing and my other children experience the loss of a brother and a mom?
How could I stop this downhill slide and more importantly how could I hide it from anyone, let alone my kids, that didn’t benefit from their mom losing her ground, her mind and her peace and support for them?
The lighthouse never turned off, despite the dark caverns and storms, lightening, earthquakes and tsunamis of the inner self.
Finally ,we knew, we surrendered to what our fears had to show us. It was a rocky road, face plants, arguments, space invasion, fear we drew near, loss of ourselves, a separation from now into an adrenaline rushing pain you don’t escape. You have to face it or die without ever embracing what it has to show you.
Through this we gained a silent connection that spoke louder than any words could ever come close to.
I could cry my eyes out miles away and Zak would text me and say, “mom are you ok?” I could ask a question in my mind and Zak would text me and say,”mom I can hear you.” This is just a couple of the many times we had this type of thing happen. We had many talks about the connection and our ability to hear one another even when we weren’t right by each other.
I wanted so bad to know that I would never lose this connection, whether he stayed or if he left. It became our gift to one another, a knowing and allowing to give and receive love beyond what the human body could comprehend.
He is my connection, he is my child, my extension of love, how could we not have it. Instead of surrendering into my own truth, I realized I had surrendered into the fear of religion that all of this happening wasn’t possible. That somehow there was a separation between God and all that has been created and words defined and expressed what my heart never could accept.
MY HEART KNEW MORE!
This changed everything, our worlds opened, there was no longer 4 walls dictating our destiny, our purpose, our truth. This is where years of religion and dogma disappeared, where the shackles of judgments and opinion and fear instilled into our bones was shifted.
Divine love, infinite possibilities became the path less traveled. God did not limit us to a book or a word, a feeling or a demand. God does not make us suffer or ridicule and judge us. God does not instill fear into us. God is LOVE. God is not looking down at you pointing in direct discipline and directing disease and traumas at you because you deserve it. God created us all and gave us choice, a collective participating ability to work together or not.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Example: You can raise your kids as perfect as you believe and they can still go a completely different direction. This is not God making it happen, this is Gods creation of energy flow and motion, action and reaction.
Its given as your gift to accept or resist, either choice is movement, grow or change, be present or die resisting.
You were not created with so much more than you know on accident, life is a collective responsibility and an energetic connection between us all that is not separated and is experienced through every single persons reaction and action collectively. Like it or not we are connected and what we each do affects our collective space.
When you decide to arrive in the NOW you will feel the divine connection to flow more freely into each now more and more presently, this is where you grow.
To be Continued………………………… Zak arrived AGAIN in the mountains of Utah in the biggest, no mistaking present way, where I was off the grid, no service and vulnerable to the elements of emotion and mother nature’s decisions, 16 degrees at night and ice on the inside of my car among a few other elements that make this ride one forcing me into the presence of my deepest truths.
A traumatic moment in time occurred and Zak showed up and shifted a trauma into my greatest opportunity for growth…………………………….
Part 2 …. Zak is very much alive!