Is life experiencing you or are you experiencing life
The rejection dance…..
I hurt so I’ll take time away
I’m mad so I’d rather not talk
I’m in pain so I want to be alone
I’m busy so hold on
I’m overwhelmed I’ll talk to you later
My phones ringing
The kids are screaming
My spouse needs me
My boss is calling
My animals are waiting to be fed
I have to walk the dogs
The kids have activities
I have to make dinner
I have to do laundry
I need to vacuum
I have to get papers in order
I need to post on social media at least for business
I have to workout
I need to mow the lawn
Pick up dog poop
Weed the gardens
We need groceries
My cars a mess
The garbage has to go out
Oh ya I need a shower
Do I have time to wash my hair this week
I need a coffee
I forgot I had that appointment
Oh no I double booked myself
Oh ya the event
Oh shoot I have three meetings this week
A to do list that goes three pages
I need to call my parents
Oh ya I have to help my parents
My kids want time
My friends need time
My spouse needs time
So rejection follows
It dances in the hearts of our loved ones
Life events own you
There is no control
Your controlling, controlling your schedule
Who needs that, just text
There’s an app for everything
Download another one, it’ll keep you in touch
Watch your favorites by video
Touching or hugs get you arrested
Gestures are all lost in assumption
Give and take has been crammed into a Marco polo app
There is no time for kids to experience nature
Grandparents are no longer a legacy
Unless you live within 10 miles
There is no time for the silence that heals you
Where is everyone at dinner
There are no family dinners
Phones are not on walls
They are permanently attached to the body with fancy phone attachments
Everyone is a life coach and everyone has an answer
In laws and outlaws fight for holidays
Children wait for gifts and have no idea moments are priceless
Holidays are an eruption of anxiety and arguing over schedules
Splitting each human into more pieces
Nature is no longer a way of life
Real food doesn’t grow its scientifically modified
Fast food and fantasy are peoples truth
Farms, barns and real labor are almost extinct
It’s a life children see on an iPad
It’s a google search so not to get dirty
It will just add more work to the daily routine
I need an island vacation
I need another vacation from my vacation
I miss the kids
Wish you were still at the island
Where is prayer
Where is God
Oh ya I forgot my prayers
Hurried through life
Then, there I was in front of my King
Humbled and unable to change a thing
I missed my mother’s face
My father’s hug
My children never experienced summers at their grandparents
My hair is grey
My muscle tone escaped
My brain is slower
I’m unsure what happen
I missed it
I was too busy being busy to realize I could have been living
I have so much to say on this subject, our legacy of life is getting lost in cell phones, iPads, computers and conversation is luck of the draw. Social media connects us but it does NOT CONNECT us! Busy schedules push you through your day so you can get a one week vacation to want another when you get back.
Kids are too busy now days to learn what a farm is, to plant real food, to hike in the mountains and experience where fire wood comes from. Knives are not allowed anymore to carve sticks and create something from nature. REAL guns aren’t allowed so we buy our kids toy guns and tell them at the same time guns are bad.
Food is so modified our children don’t even know what real food is anymore, they think the modification means real. We have no idea who is a boy or a girl anymore and wonder why our society is so confused.
I don’t usually burst out of my sunshine in to a human rant of frustration but life is for LIVING and experiencing and I cant believe the changes in how I grew up to now and the changes that are driving America to DEVASTATION!
Surrender to the flow of change, letting go is freedom, it is inevitably happening for you not to you.
Surrendered to this moment and day
Feeling every wave
Lost and finally found
Grounded in natures heartbeat
Experiencing intrinsic wonder
Winding winds weave through emotionally spread wings
Blue seems to cocoon the earth with new possibilities
Air and water sway creating a melody of passion
An awakening arrives
As times illusive hand has disappeared
Wrapped within the unlimited realm and unsevered space
In the Gap
OMGOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I have written this weekly addition 10 times over the last few weeks and within a day it changes again. I don’t send it because as soon as I start writing it becomes a journal of words thrown up like confetti trying to find its place from space.
I woke up this morning and thought, OMGOSH I can’t think straight, I’m all over the board and have so much on my mind it’s like listening to 10 different languages competing for the lead roll.
So, the main eruption of craze, is my son’s one year passing coming July 30th.
I know what I’m doing in honor of him and its going to be epic. I’ll share with you after in photos and emotions that are crashing and rising like tides on a stormy sea.
The growth I have had in the last 6 months is due to the most unconditional love I have had around me. Two people (my Aunt Jeri and Uncle David aka AJ and UD) that believed I was worthy to be loved fully and complete with a space to heal and breathe. When I felt none of that, they some how held the knowing I would find my way, even when I wasn’t sure.
Trusting me to leap into my life again and find what moves me.
I could write a book on the impact these two have made on my life and the love I have learned and experienced through them. It holds a category all on its own.
I’ve taken a couple trips back to see my kids and gather my things and make arrangements to move to a new area, to start new, to leave behind my memories that haunt me and find my purpose again.
THEN THIS HAPPENED!!!!
What an interesting journey it has been, I have never learned so much in such a short time as I have in this last year. THE ONE most pivotal change for me, is one I cry my eyes out with, as I am working on finding words to express it, and hoping it will touch and change something for you too.
Losing my son is obviously the worst thing I have ever experienced but in that it is also the best thing I have ever experienced and as I say that, it holds so many emotions.
Hell no, losing him can never hold the “best thing”, do not mistake my words but listen to my heart.
He changed me!
My son did NOTHING in a small way, not one thing. When he left this earth he gave me something else equally important to this tragic experience. He guided me back to my purpose.
I thought I lost it and I have been digging deep for it. Writing, traveling, researching, talking, sharing, loving, letting go, you name it. What I found in searching my new purpose was that I was searching for something that was NEVER LOST.
I left my purpose and then cried about not having a purpose,WTF?
How did I miss this one?
When I arrived where I am now in Feb. (the short story is in a previous weekly addition) I was so incomplete, sick, tired, unbelievably lost in every way shape and form. I barely remember the details of how I got here, but it consisted of small things like, being left in the mountains of Utah followed by ultimatums that would later change my path drastically, snow storms alone hundreds of miles from home and courage beyond what I ever imagined I had.
It consisted of friends that love me and believe in me, friends that reminded me who I am, friends that leant me a hand and gave me unbelievable inspiring energy that lifted and showed me there is more.
It consisted of family and unconditional love, even when somedays they probably want to shake me out of it, but still give me a calmness of understanding to heal more than a moment in my life, but a lifetime.
I flew back to my children a couple weeks ago to stay a day and then get on the road for another adventure, to take photos and jump in lakes and do all the things I love so much.
But my life consists of rapid change and growth ALWAYS, I’ve surrendered to it, its what makes me, ME!
I ended up staying for a week and in that week I devoured time with my children, my grandchildren and friends and as I was there, life started to transform my purpose.
When my kids grew up I thought I lost my purpose, now what? Empty nest hit me like a ton of bricks, then Zak got sick, he needed me, that was purpose of course. Then he passed, all the kids are grown and everything I ever did I did because I was driven by my love for them.
After one year of Zak passing, crying, feeling ungrounded, (I’m still ungrounded somewhat, being completely honest) I’m finally feeling like I’m getting somewhere.
Something shifted this trip for me. My grandkids are growing so fast, our conversations where different, they wanted to ask questions that lead to more and more and more. I couldn’t get enough of it.
I wanted to answer every question and shared their facts with detail, they were authentically interested in the details of life, like how does a bee make honey?
Why do you live so far away?
Uncle Zak died Nina(thats me)…. ughhhh that one hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was experiencing memories left and right, where I raised my children, friends for life, stores I remember Zak parking his bike at the front door. I could hear his voice and see his face, hear his laughter, I passed our old houses where memories still run around the yard as if time stopped.
Then another jolt, a voice I know well, a history lesson of things I left behind, forgot somewhere and they were all surfacing as fast as I can say, WOW! I was back on my bike after a year, I was rowing 3000 meters daily and beat my time by almost 6 minutes within a weeks time. My kids were working out daily and asking me questions and asking me to watch their form and show them specifics.
My fire was being lit, I was needed, I was with my purpose.
IT NEVER LEFT, I DID!
Then a visit to Zak’s memorial space. A shift, another shift, I was shifting faster than a race car on a race track.
I was about to get on a plane and go home and I felt like I was leaving home at the same time I wanted to go home. Chaos took me over and when I got on the plane I wrote Zak. OH MY GOSHH I miss you more than words, or stars in the sky among the infinite missing that I know will never end, Zak I need you NOW.
Then it hit me!
My purpose never left, I DID!
Everything in me was fighting, I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back, the list of pros and cons where sparring for the championship.
Start over AGAIN?
Dear GOD I’m so tired of starting over, plant my feet and let me grow my roots again with purpose!
THATS IT, MY PURPOSE!
I was flying away from it and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
“I don’t want to live where my purpose is, WHAT the HELL Kerri Elizabeth????”
I can travel, I can go back and forth to my purpose, sure I can. I can build another purpose I told myself, their grown, shouldn’t I have another purpose by now? I mean, who’s to say they won’t move away? I don’t like the dark winters? Why do I need to live there all winter? Why am I limiting myself? Why am I stressing?
Its written in stone, my purpose is my children and grandchildren and loving others, being in love again and never giving any of that up. I love, sharing my inspired heart that has been seasoned with sugar and spice to give more to others, that is my purpose.
I was searching myself for a new purpose and my purpose was still the same, it’s what I created from being me, its the extensions of me, the lives I birthed and the love I know how to share.
Zak brought in a voice that shocked me into position and blew me wide open.
I remember in surgery when I had my intestine removed in 2005( I think), I was under for 12 hours, not what they wanted or planned for but everything went wrong and they couldn’t get me out of anesthesia. The hospital had to call in a voice of my past to shock me back to life.
Thats what happened again!
Stop searching, what your searching for has already found you and never left you.
Look to see where you went!
Every emotion felt has grown from an experience past, waiting to be set free at last!
The urge to sustain in an experience past
To flutter in the moment pleading it to last
Wandering into the crevasses of anywhere
Filling the cracks one at time with life
Otherness becomes clear
Visualizations take shape and appear
Truth and courage trump fears
Like a wish in the breeze
Setting every emotion free
How super fantastic your world can be
A covering of truths is a silence of scarred fears and an unwillingness to adjust and move!
In the random coverings of our deepest truths
Under layers of emotions, doubts and un-still fears
The covering floats, moves, and allows us the process to adjust
Temporary rest requires a respectful gathering of truths
A clearing of what no longer serves you and thickens the plot of emotional chaos
Adjust your movements to free space in the gallery of your anatomy
Movement and adjustment opens truth
It is not under the cover you take off in flight
It is in the respectful process under cover
You move into the infinite possibilities of light
Your smile can hold thousands of tears and your heart can release you from fears!
It’s in your petals I watch you bloom
The memories I will never lose
It’s the way you grow, facing me in every space
It’s the way your strength holds me high
It’s how you brighten my skies
It’s the whisper that raises the hairs on my skin
It’s the way you remind me to rise again
Your with me , there’s no doubt
Closing my eyes to let the tears out
Each one rolling down my cheek
Finding peace in the cracks of my smile
It is closing in on a year you got your wings and it’s coming too fast, I wasn’t ready and I never would of been.
Thank you Zak ( my son) for helping turn my frown into a smile again. Thank you for showing me how to allow my smile to catch my tears and free my fears. I know you are flying fearlessly and free because you show me.
It is in the water where I am completely aligned, where the heavens are close and love is all I know!
Adventures to everywhere
Basking in a breeze
Carrying with it the pine trees
Hearing the heartbeat of the earth
Vibrations rumble at every birth
Newness enters at every moment
New to the earth
New to the heavens
Together and never separated
Every body of water joins me to you
Capacity can be stretched, giggles can be set on repeat, maximums are wasted when undone and love has no regrets!
Free to run like the wind
Let your heart race at top speed
Feel your maximums
Majestic strength lives
Invest in your capacity, leave nothing undone
Touch the earths surface, giggle and have fun
Explore, express, live without regret
Then rest for more and nothing less