Brokenness tears down walls
Freed in the midst of unjust ways
Through struggle and through doubt
Chained to pain
Drugged by societies vanity
Judgement is owned by questioned sanity
Strained by grief
Searching the halls for secret walls
Where is the escape route
Then brokenness lead the way
The walls perceived, were only a belief
Brokenness rumbled through every crack
The inner echoes shattered like glass
The kingdom has no walls
No halls that echo our calls
It is the freedom of creation
The divine wireless call above it all
Get back up and stand tall
The kingdom has no doors
No ceiling, no floors
It’s infinite and more
It’s every sunrise and every storm
It has no chains
Other than the ones we create in discouragement and shame
Courage and Joy
It has been in my deepest pains I became chained.
I found that within the walls of my own doubt, I denied myself, I built a Kingdom within that was not what Gods plan was when Grace spoke, the kingdom of God is within.
I visualized a palace, a castle per se, with brick walls and long halls, darkness at times, emptiness and isolation closed in .
I had no escape route it seemed, I didn’t even realize I had done that until one day on my morning walk with God and my dogs, I was stopped in my tracks.
With the sun shining in the morning glare everywhere, where the mist laid on my skin and the clouds remained on the horizon again.
I GOT IT!!!!!
I felt God…………. WITHIN is NOT with walls and halls, there are no bricks and mortar and bridges to cross.
Within is open like nature, full of views and the freedom to move, it is not entrapment my child with doors and corridors, it is not the perception you created to protect your fears.
It is in the wilderness of pain your joy is found, release the chains, brokenness is simply an openness to recieve.
The chains fell off and the walls fell down and the castle I built that held my grief, my anger and my doubt had no where to be stored and I ran out of rent to pay the bill for the storage unit I built.
Phillipians 1:12-26 ,Thank you Paul for your words today confirming COURAGE is without SHAME and with God I will remain!
In the creation of reflection is where the deepest love exhists!
Photography of the heart prompts reaction
Moments can change the vision of your natural inner lens
Lines are blurred and details create unfamiliar shadows
Simplicity becomes a necessary partner
Priority naturally carries even weight without attached motive
It is the motive we assign that becomes our priority design
Motive to remain is an insanity game
Motive to change builds strength in our frame
Motive to love is where priority leans into the creation of reflection
I have been in constant change for most of my life, some of it my choice, some of it creations prompt for me to make choice.
Learning what priority means and that it can carry weight without motive and take you up or down depending on what you attach as motive has been nothing less than enlightening.
There are times it can feel like the easiest things to reach to are the hardest things that have created the most insanity. Growth is attached to the motive we put on priority. Priority has no rules without our input, it weighs which ever direction we step and leans in to create a design.
When love is the motive, it is attached to priority and creation of reflection is where our strength is refined.
Emotions are not road blocks, they are the hardware of your internal compass guiding you to success, malfunctioning happens in the chaos before entering presence.
Your my wind
The sun I see
Waterfalls in front of me
Your the rumble of the earths call
Your in nature centering it all
Your the waves in the ocean
Your my heart beating
Your the footprints I see before me
I saw you fly by
Leaving me a jet-stream in the sky
Your in the crickets singing lullabies
I hear you whisper, “Momma don’t cry
Look at me, wild and free
Success momma, is a place, you’ll see
Your set free to be
No separation from the land and sea
I’m with you MY MOMMA eternally”
As some of you know and others will hear along the way, my son passed on to his new place on July 30, 2017. There is never a day I don’t talk about him and never a day I won’t. Some people don’t know what to say, others don’t know how to hear the joy in the tears when I share. So silence has been my healing space, a place where Zak meets me face to face.
Silence gives room for emotions without the interference of chaos.
The capacity to understand is beyond me, I simply ride the wave and learn as I go. Emotions take over most of the time. I used to think I had to learn to control the emotions. In my meditation and silence I agonized in thought I had to accept(which I haven’t and as of now, it not on my list of somehow) that my son is gone. Because to me what works, is believing in the signs he’s here, it’s different that’s clear. However that’s my reality and the way the movie of emotions play in the silence inspired by every wave.
Accepting another way wasn’t working for me, instead I gave in, surrendering to the silence within, visualizing emotion in space, allowing it to be, as if it was a movie in front of me telling me a story, it showed me something profound.
Its your movie, its your story, let it play, let it make sounds, let it guide your way. Surrender to the silence where the movie can play without interference of the chaos in the day. This is where the chaos stops playing and emotions can be set free to find their way successfully.
It is up to you to allow emotions to have wings, they need room to fly, to experience and thrive, they can’t grow or go if they are trapped in the chaos of our minds.
Silence is stillness within, it doesn’t have to be without movement or a physical paralysis, it is within, a decision to let go of the wings you tie down on each emotion found. Let them fly in the sky, let them be free to be, to find there flight path succefully.
When you take time to embrace you and heal, you find out healing is a part of you, it’s the purest acceptance of love.
OMGOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I have written this weekly addition 10 times over the last few weeks and within a day it changes again. I don’t send it because as soon as I start writing it becomes a journal of words thrown up like confetti trying to find its place from space.
I woke up this morning and thought, OMGOSH I can’t think straight, I’m all over the board and have so much on my mind it’s like listening to 10 different languages competing for the lead roll.
So, the main eruption of craze, is my son’s one year passing coming July 30th.
I know what I’m doing in honor of him and its going to be epic. I’ll share with you after in photos and emotions that are crashing and rising like tides on a stormy sea.
The growth I have had in the last 6 months is due to the most unconditional love I have had around me. Two people (my Aunt Jeri and Uncle David aka AJ and UD) that believed I was worthy to be loved fully and complete with a space to heal and breathe. When I felt none of that, they some how held the knowing I would find my way, even when I wasn’t sure.
Trusting me to leap into my life again and find what moves me.
I could write a book on the impact these two have made on my life and the love I have learned and experienced through them. It holds a category all on its own.
I’ve taken a couple trips back to see my kids and gather my things and make arrangements to move to a new area, to start new, to leave behind my memories that haunt me and find my purpose again.
THEN THIS HAPPENED!!!!
What an interesting journey it has been, I have never learned so much in such a short time as I have in this last year. THE ONE most pivotal change for me, is one I cry my eyes out with, as I am working on finding words to express it, and hoping it will touch and change something for you too.
Losing my son is obviously the worst thing I have ever experienced but in that it is also the best thing I have ever experienced and as I say that, it holds so many emotions.
Hell no, losing him can never hold the “best thing”, do not mistake my words but listen to my heart.
He changed me!
My son did NOTHING in a small way, not one thing. When he left this earth he gave me something else equally important to this tragic experience. He guided me back to my purpose.
I thought I lost it and I have been digging deep for it. Writing, traveling, researching, talking, sharing, loving, letting go, you name it. What I found in searching my new purpose was that I was searching for something that was NEVER LOST.
I left my purpose and then cried about not having a purpose,WTF?
How did I miss this one?
When I arrived where I am now in Feb. (the short story is in a previous weekly addition) I was so incomplete, sick, tired, unbelievably lost in every way shape and form. I barely remember the details of how I got here, but it consisted of small things like, being left in the mountains of Utah followed by ultimatums that would later change my path drastically, snow storms alone hundreds of miles from home and courage beyond what I ever imagined I had.
It consisted of friends that love me and believe in me, friends that reminded me who I am, friends that leant me a hand and gave me unbelievable inspiring energy that lifted and showed me there is more.
It consisted of family and unconditional love, even when somedays they probably want to shake me out of it, but still give me a calmness of understanding to heal more than a moment in my life, but a lifetime.
I flew back to my children a couple weeks ago to stay a day and then get on the road for another adventure, to take photos and jump in lakes and do all the things I love so much.
But my life consists of rapid change and growth ALWAYS, I’ve surrendered to it, its what makes me, ME!
I ended up staying for a week and in that week I devoured time with my children, my grandchildren and friends and as I was there, life started to transform my purpose.
When my kids grew up I thought I lost my purpose, now what? Empty nest hit me like a ton of bricks, then Zak got sick, he needed me, that was purpose of course. Then he passed, all the kids are grown and everything I ever did I did because I was driven by my love for them.
After one year of Zak passing, crying, feeling ungrounded, (I’m still ungrounded somewhat, being completely honest) I’m finally feeling like I’m getting somewhere.
Something shifted this trip for me. My grandkids are growing so fast, our conversations where different, they wanted to ask questions that lead to more and more and more. I couldn’t get enough of it.
I wanted to answer every question and shared their facts with detail, they were authentically interested in the details of life, like how does a bee make honey?
Why do you live so far away?
Uncle Zak died Nina(thats me)…. ughhhh that one hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was experiencing memories left and right, where I raised my children, friends for life, stores I remember Zak parking his bike at the front door. I could hear his voice and see his face, hear his laughter, I passed our old houses where memories still run around the yard as if time stopped.
Then another jolt, a voice I know well, a history lesson of things I left behind, forgot somewhere and they were all surfacing as fast as I can say, WOW! I was back on my bike after a year, I was rowing 3000 meters daily and beat my time by almost 6 minutes within a weeks time. My kids were working out daily and asking me questions and asking me to watch their form and show them specifics.
My fire was being lit, I was needed, I was with my purpose.
IT NEVER LEFT, I DID!
Then a visit to Zak’s memorial space. A shift, another shift, I was shifting faster than a race car on a race track.
I was about to get on a plane and go home and I felt like I was leaving home at the same time I wanted to go home. Chaos took me over and when I got on the plane I wrote Zak. OH MY GOSHH I miss you more than words, or stars in the sky among the infinite missing that I know will never end, Zak I need you NOW.
Then it hit me!
My purpose never left, I DID!
Everything in me was fighting, I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back, the list of pros and cons where sparring for the championship.
Start over AGAIN?
Dear GOD I’m so tired of starting over, plant my feet and let me grow my roots again with purpose!
THATS IT, MY PURPOSE!
I was flying away from it and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
“I don’t want to live where my purpose is, WHAT the HELL Kerri Elizabeth????”
I can travel, I can go back and forth to my purpose, sure I can. I can build another purpose I told myself, their grown, shouldn’t I have another purpose by now? I mean, who’s to say they won’t move away? I don’t like the dark winters? Why do I need to live there all winter? Why am I limiting myself? Why am I stressing?
Its written in stone, my purpose is my children and grandchildren and loving others, being in love again and never giving any of that up. I love, sharing my inspired heart that has been seasoned with sugar and spice to give more to others, that is my purpose.
I was searching myself for a new purpose and my purpose was still the same, it’s what I created from being me, its the extensions of me, the lives I birthed and the love I know how to share.
Zak brought in a voice that shocked me into position and blew me wide open.
I remember in surgery when I had my intestine removed in 2005( I think), I was under for 12 hours, not what they wanted or planned for but everything went wrong and they couldn’t get me out of anesthesia. The hospital had to call in a voice of my past to shock me back to life.
Thats what happened again!
Stop searching, what your searching for has already found you and never left you.
Look to see where you went!
Your smile can hold thousands of tears and your heart can release you from fears!
It’s in your petals I watch you bloom
The memories I will never lose
It’s the way you grow, facing me in every space
It’s the way your strength holds me high
It’s how you brighten my skies
It’s the whisper that raises the hairs on my skin
It’s the way you remind me to rise again
Your with me , there’s no doubt
Closing my eyes to let the tears out
Each one rolling down my cheek
Finding peace in the cracks of my smile
It is closing in on a year you got your wings and it’s coming too fast, I wasn’t ready and I never would of been.
Thank you Zak ( my son) for helping turn my frown into a smile again. Thank you for showing me how to allow my smile to catch my tears and free my fears. I know you are flying fearlessly and free because you show me.
It is in the water where I am completely aligned, where the heavens are close and love is all I know!
Adventures to everywhere
Basking in a breeze
Carrying with it the pine trees
Hearing the heartbeat of the earth
Vibrations rumble at every birth
Newness enters at every moment
New to the earth
New to the heavens
Together and never separated
Every body of water joins me to you
The Universe belongs to us all in abundance, the resource of all healing, understanding, unconditional love and freedom to explore more, when we are open to more, more opens to us!
Down a dirt road…..
In a space where my wounds were opened and Mother Natures land held me and the skies enveloped me and Zak(my forever 24 year old son in heaven) confirmed his presence to show me the way.
It was an early cold morning, a long night talking with Zak, trusting he had my back. Things were different inside me this morning and I felt like Zak had my hand.
I didn’t know what I was doing or what was about to happen, but I knew it was going to change me forever.
Just as Zak told me it would.
No words were said, an uncomfortable silence lead the morning. A story that would change my life that day arose. I roared from an inner flight or fight, everything inside, that had been bottled up, unshared, unheard and undone was ready to fight for me, finally.
I erupted from a silence inside, every emotion spilled out like a waterfall. It was spilling out of every cell of me, frustration and silence were completely uncapped, there was a break down that soon gave me ground for a break through and the universe said, “Lets DO this!”
This is where it gets sticky, where someone else is involved and blame can be placed. However when you blame, you give away your power to shift your lesson into wisdom. I surrendered into it and let it eject from my core with the force it was demanding. It was time to shift and that meant inviting source energy to swirl me in gratitude for the moment presented.
It was about gratitude not blame, it was about standing in my truth and my power and allowing the universe to fill me with the natural emotions I was honored to experience and I was trusted to assimilate it all, so I could eventually share it.
THEN…..My entire life felt as if it stopped, for a second, panic, I embraced it, for a second anger, I embraced it, for a second, blame, I embraced it, for a second I wandered too far into someone else’s story and needed to get back to mine.
Ultimately it’s what is inside you that creates your view. What I saw next, was a new view, and I felt Zak say, “mom I got you”.
I looked around and the silence and serenity was one with me and all that nature offered was a part of me.
I drove my car down the long bumpy dirt road, missing the potholes that were gracefully placed. One wrong turn of my steering wheel meant I could bottom out and rip the under carriage among other things in my car.
I had no phone service where I was and although that wasn’t a big deal to me, I knew I needed someone to be on the other line as I experienced the shock waves barreling though me.
I looked up and the dust of his truck disappeared, the engine I could no longer hear, I called and he answered, what was said next, shot me into a slow motion reality and then the phone was silent.
I was frozen in time, and I will tell you this part of the lesson is so
deep for me.
Telling one side and leaving the other side only in my journal has been something I have truly had to dig deep into before deciding. How do I tell just one part without the other, it all creates the total story, of love, loss and devastation, learning, living, creating and reinventing, or does it?
We all have a journey we must travel and for me, my journey is to stay present in my own healing because that is ultimately where I have freedom to be me, all of me! Thats where I am empowered and transformed, thats where change is made.
At the end of the day, did I live my truth, fully and without hesitation?
Did I love with all of me?
At the end of the day, do I feel good about who I am?
Life is our experiences and what we learn from them is up to us.
I live to the fullest and I love to the fullest. I also am hurt easily, super sensitive and I never want to hurt anyone. I’m an old soul empath and a Libra to the core, hurting anyone is the most painful thing to me and I use to own it in my own worth.
This is one of my biggest challenges I have been doing the work on for years now. Not owning others pain, walking with them, not for them. It took me years to see this and I practice it daily, living in the present moment and asking myself, am I willing to feel it fully to heal it fully? Is it mine to heal or shall I return to sender?
I made it to the end of the dirt road carefully and took a left making it about 1/4 mile, I felt my body give way, I had no air to breathe, my chest caved in and panic and shock set in. I pulled over and went down another dirt road to cry and scream and to just let go.
I finally had service on my phone here. I called my mentor who is an energetic healer.
My panic said it all, I needed immediate energy help, I spilled out the finer details and then needed to get off the phone. I felt immediately sick and needed to scream to the heavens. I hung up and fell to the ground surrendering all of me.
I wept harder than ever on my hands and knees in the dirt and screamed to the heavens, I surrender, I don’t want anymore pain please, take me, make me, do whatever, just please no more, no more. Whatever I have to do, help me create a new path, a look outlook.
I called my mentor back and just set the phone down unable to talk. THENNNNNNNNNNN.…….. in the mountains in Utah in the hills, set nestled into the trees of a path less traveled a fighter jet flew so low and right above me I could see the details,( Utah trees where I was, were short) then another, the ground rocked, my car shook, my angel kitty took cover and I burst into tears. It was Zak, and not just one but 4 or 5 I’m still not totally sure the number but my friend said to me on the phone, its Zak. Thats Zak and if I wasn’t on the other line I’m not sure even I would believe what just happen.
In Zak’s honest engine voice, he said, ” mom what I couldn’t change on earth I can intercept from heaven, because your my mom.” I chose you to be my mom and my place as your son is never done. He continued to share with me so much more. I pulled up my boot straps and explored and wrote. This journey had just begun for me, it wasn’t just a Zak healing anymore, Zak was with me, he laid out a plan and it just kept rolling. I followed and along the way a fighter jet would confirm to me I was going the right way.
You see when Zak took his last breathe, a fight jet rocked my world as I crawled outside and laid lifeless and frozen for hours before I could move again. After he crossed over I took a long drive to my favorite place on earth. He continued to show up in fighter jets among other signs that came left and right. This one has shown up at the oddest times and places but the perfect times and places for me.
I can go on and on about Zak’s presence with me, my journey and all the signs he was so close, but this moment in perfect timing, in a fully traumatized state on my knees in the mountains of Utah in the exact second I surrendered fully, right above me, close enough to see details, he showed up to confirm to me, he intercepted my path and changed my view, exactly what I asked for at exactly the same timing.
Confirmation, we have only the power we allow!
Zak lives on and there is never a day he does not show up…………………..
Zak took me back to every space on that 40 day journey that needed restoration and a new view and we healed it all.
I am free to be ME!
In every space the purpose is the present, be fully in it!
Hello to you all and thank you ahead of time for reading my soul writing and I hope in someway it will inspire you.
If you are struggling with something from the present or past, a relationship, work, family, finances, loss or loneliness, anger or frustration among other emotions that fester before healed, may this shine light on at least one of these and it be healed and forgiven because it can.
Part 2 of a long journey……………
Deep in the woods of Utah, above the hot sun line where snow still laid on the ground and ice blanketed the windows in my car at night. It was early Feb. toward the end of a 40 day journey on the road through 5 states, that shifted me in ways I wasn’t prepared for but completely open for.
I knew my life was going to change the minute I decided to hit the road and leave all I knew to Mother nature’s grand healing, hugs and invitation to be open to the elements of surprise.
Zak (my son)told me to leave two months before and I resisted for reasons that were less important than healing the loss of my child. The grief was setting in deep, loss, loneliness and a depression I have never experienced (I had zero tendencies to depression and always had a smile, UNTIL….my child died).
This was an eye opener as to what a trauma of 5 constant years of watching your child suffer and not being able to find an answer and then watching him pass while holding one hand, his wife another and my youngest daughter holding his head as comfortable as she could. He literally was suffocating and struggling to breathe on his way out. Horrifying to experience.
He didn’t want to miss a moment and be so medicated and on hospice he didn’t feel life.
He felt life to the last breathe in the most painful ways, but he felt it, he didn’t resist it, he wanted life more than death and used all he was given.
This isn’t going to sound like SUNSHINE right off the bat, but please stick with me, it’s all an adventure through darkness with a light that never dies.
This is the partial story that sent me packing. Move, do something big, drastic and different or stay in the story of trauma and agony. I chose MORE! Zak was not my only struggle to get through. I was also years into a relationship that offered more lessons to me than any relationship has ever gifted me in my entire life. I won’t talk about this part for now and never in depth because it’s one side and I know, I truly and fully loved, thats all that matters here.
I can tell you this, it was one of those relationships that challenge who you are to your very core, that hold your highest highs and deepest lows.
I chose my life and who I spent it with, we don’t get to choose our consequences most often though, but we do have the opportunity to choose our actions and how we show up for our consequences.
Consequences usually include an action that is tied to or involves others lives and ideas, hence not having control over the entire picture.
We can’t change others, only ourselves, however, so often we enable others by trying to heal wounds that aren’t ours, or compare and demand fairness, whatever that is for you, and we end up enabling ourselves and missing our own lessons completely.
This part of the journey is about my own lessons and what I have been so fortunate to learn, I have no control over anything else.
I woke this particular morning knowing this day would be a different day, I had spent the entire trip writing about what I wanted in my life, how I wanted to show up for myself and what that would take for me. I honestly couldn’t make sense of much else, other than making sure I ate right and monitored my well being on the day I left, Dec. 30th.
I just knew my life was different and was about to change even more.
It had to be different and putting it into words as I write even still is difficult. I feel it all so deep, no words seem to explain it at the depth I feel it.
It was a freezing cold morning in my Buick Encore, a thought out organized cozy space inside with all I needed to travel, sleep and be comfortable wherever I was and feel safe and secure inside when I chose any off the beaten path areas. This particular space was definitely off the beaten path, in a secret off the grid magical space filled with wonder, like a fairytale. It felt surreal to me, and honestly at this point everything was surreal and not just in beautiful ways.
My kitten Angel was always with me, she went everywhere with me since she was 6 weeks old, so she loved traveling and exploring anywhere and everywhere.
The night before, Zak clearly told me as I was locked in my car, to just be calm and get my computer out. Mind you I had been off the grid and off electricity for some time now and the chances of my computer working was zero, it was cold, draining every battery I had and I hadn’t charged it in weeks. I didn’t even have a charged phone or service where I was. Zak persisted with me to open it, so I did. Sure enough when I opened it, music started playing, music I didn’t even know was on my computer and it was music I wasn’t familiar with, but it all had a purpose and a reason for me at that moment.
I listened for two solid hours and Zak told me to start writing what I was feeling.
I couldn’t write fast enough, it was flowing like lava through my fingers onto the keyboard. It was dark outside and it was cold and I was snuggled in tight with Angel in gratitude for the anxious knowing my life was about to change drastically.
I fell asleep finally, hours after the music and the writing and the constant appreciation that was pouring out of me for whatever was next.
I hit my wall of tolerance to stand in darkness any longer, I wasn’t going down depressed and I wasn’t going down as a victim to anyone, including myself.
I had control of what I wanted in my life going forward and the lighthouse was beaming non stop with light beams that ONLY pointed in the direction I was to trust without question. That included using my voice again with power and strength and trust whatever came out was exactly what was meant to.
I woke up with a new outlook, Zak had my back, he played music for 2 hours teaching me, empowering me, filling me with zest for life again, telling me it was all going to be ok, he had my back.
No matter what happened at this point I had a powerful extension of me working from another dimension. I trusted 100% Zak had it all planned and the consequences were going to be rough but they were going to be worth every second of the pain, agony, defeat, darkness, crawling and shattered torn feeling I was about to experience.
I had no idea that the consequences to my voice would be to experience the rest of the adventure alone in the mountains of Utah off the grid with no phone service suddenly, and that I would literally be in the hands of Mother Nature and God and trusting all I had manifested and opened my heart to was going to tear every wound I ever had wide open.
ZAK APPEARS IN A PHYSICAL FORM …. NEXT…. stay tuned….. this has been hard to put in writing, I originally wanted to have it to you every week, but more patience is required of myself and I am honoring it. I have to write it in parts and make sure I am grounded, in my healing, meditating and being diligent with my life going forward…..
I can tell you this much more before the next part… I am divinely placed to radically share my light to the world and I will NEVER STOP!