You are more than what you thought defined you!

~Kerri-Elizabeth~

I am more than the child that grew up with fight or flight emotions and feelings

An imposter lived here, a fearful, unready and unwilling part of me

In control of nothing but wanting to control everything

Living in a darkness of the world

Running into it at the same time I was running away from it

Religion captured me and gave me a safe box to live in for years

“Oh,” God is very real to me, but religion is no longer a vice 

That box got smaller as experiences got bigger and it didn’t make sense to live there anymore

I couldn’t breathe

I couldn’t talk

I couldn’t move

I couldn’t escape the judgment of what I was told I needed to do and not what my deeper self was calling me to do

I was screaming inside for years

As if I was watching myself from a distance, I observed so much confusion and pain

Filled with insecurities grounded in shame and blame that I could never do enough to erase

What I faced was the habit energy

The energy that was continually lived in fight or flight , over compensations, under compensations and so much more

While smiling and living I was also dyeing

I was raising kids while raising myself

I was married while not even understanding what that required

I lived small because small seemed bigger than what I felt capable of handling at times

I lived on others terms because I had no idea life had terms I had the power to make

I knew deep within there was more

I knew deep within I had more

I chose more of myself many times, to then allow doubt to loosen my grip

I had no idea how to break through to that next place

Disapointing others while listening to my own calling was like climbing Mt. Everest with no training

That’s when I realized it was going to mean I had to disappoint myself

It all required me to re-train myself

I had to change my story and I was going to have to reject the current narrative and disapoint myself by announcing I was more than the skin I had lived in all these years

That would seem like a milestone in gratitude to many, however it meant to me, I had to invite part of myself to move out

I had to leave behind the blame, the shame and the rejections not just of my own but from others

I now could give myself safety

I now could stand strong for me

I could say I mattered

I could say NO

I now could disapoint another to show up for myself, knowing that the disappointment was their journey and I had no business fixing it

I had to thank the space and move away, bless it for the experiences and lessons and leave it behind

It wasn’t supposed to become me, it was suppose to teach me

It did

At the exact time it was suppose to

It happened in loss

It happend in change

It happened in pain

It happened in tears

It didn’t happen with joy or laughter

It happend when I felt no hope

It happend when I was empty

When I was my most challenged

It happened in anger

In rejections

It happened in misunderstandings I had to let go of and allow the teaching of it

It happened in letting go of people I thought would never leave

It happend in the learning of how to have a relationship with my son from the heavens, instead of in the physical presence

It happened in sickness

It happened in the lowest times, the hardest times, the most doubtful times

It is still happening and I understand that these times are never to be wished away , but to be observed with new insight

To look into pain and to ache while you smile is part of life’s best and most insightful journeys to success

Happiness is a foundation that requires remodeling continually

 

Sunshine