To fully experience life as a journey you must first embrace change.
~Kerri Elizabeth~
Adventure through the memories of your heart
Reflections of paths crossing
Pushing and pulling
Have you arrived
Or has the journey just begun
Indents in the sand
Ruffled feathers before you land
It’s in the flight your soul soars
It’s in the landing
You look up for more
Sunshine
~Kerri Elizabeth~
OMGOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I have written this weekly addition 10 times over the last few weeks and within a day it changes again. I don’t send it because as soon as I start writing it becomes a journal of words thrown up like confetti trying to find its place from space.
I woke up this morning and thought, OMGOSH I can’t think straight, I’m all over the board and have so much on my mind it’s like listening to 10 different languages competing for the lead roll.
So, the main eruption of craze, is my son’s one year passing coming July 30th.
I know what I’m doing in honor of him and its going to be epic. I’ll share with you after in photos and emotions that are crashing and rising like tides on a stormy sea.
The growth I have had in the last 6 months is due to the most unconditional love I have had around me. Two people (my Aunt Jeri and Uncle David aka AJ and UD) that believed I was worthy to be loved fully and complete with a space to heal and breathe. When I felt none of that, they some how held the knowing I would find my way, even when I wasn’t sure.
Trusting me to leap into my life again and find what moves me.
I could write a book on the impact these two have made on my life and the love I have learned and experienced through them. It holds a category all on its own.
I’ve taken a couple trips back to see my kids and gather my things and make arrangements to move to a new area, to start new, to leave behind my memories that haunt me and find my purpose again.
THEN THIS HAPPENED!!!!
What an interesting journey it has been, I have never learned so much in such a short time as I have in this last year. THE ONE most pivotal change for me, is one I cry my eyes out with, as I am working on finding words to express it, and hoping it will touch and change something for you too.
Losing my son is obviously the worst thing I have ever experienced but in that it is also the best thing I have ever experienced and as I say that, it holds so many emotions.
Hell no, losing him can never hold the “best thing”, do not mistake my words but listen to my heart.
He changed me!
My son did NOTHING in a small way, not one thing. When he left this earth he gave me something else equally important to this tragic experience. He guided me back to my purpose.
I thought I lost it and I have been digging deep for it. Writing, traveling, researching, talking, sharing, loving, letting go, you name it. What I found in searching my new purpose was that I was searching for something that was NEVER LOST.
I left my purpose and then cried about not having a purpose,WTF?
How did I miss this one?
When I arrived where I am now in Feb. (the short story is in a previous weekly addition) I was so incomplete, sick, tired, unbelievably lost in every way shape and form. I barely remember the details of how I got here, but it consisted of small things like, being left in the mountains of Utah followed by ultimatums that would later change my path drastically, snow storms alone hundreds of miles from home and courage beyond what I ever imagined I had.
It consisted of friends that love me and believe in me, friends that reminded me who I am, friends that leant me a hand and gave me unbelievable inspiring energy that lifted and showed me there is more.
It consisted of family and unconditional love, even when somedays they probably want to shake me out of it, but still give me a calmness of understanding to heal more than a moment in my life, but a lifetime.
I flew back to my children a couple weeks ago to stay a day and then get on the road for another adventure, to take photos and jump in lakes and do all the things I love so much.
But my life consists of rapid change and growth ALWAYS, I’ve surrendered to it, its what makes me, ME!
I ended up staying for a week and in that week I devoured time with my children, my grandchildren and friends and as I was there, life started to transform my purpose.
When my kids grew up I thought I lost my purpose, now what? Empty nest hit me like a ton of bricks, then Zak got sick, he needed me, that was purpose of course. Then he passed, all the kids are grown and everything I ever did I did because I was driven by my love for them.
After one year of Zak passing, crying, feeling ungrounded, (I’m still ungrounded somewhat, being completely honest) I’m finally feeling like I’m getting somewhere.
Something shifted this trip for me. My grandkids are growing so fast, our conversations where different, they wanted to ask questions that lead to more and more and more. I couldn’t get enough of it.
I wanted to answer every question and shared their facts with detail, they were authentically interested in the details of life, like how does a bee make honey?
Why do you live so far away?
Uncle Zak died Nina(thats me)…. ughhhh that one hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was experiencing memories left and right, where I raised my children, friends for life, stores I remember Zak parking his bike at the front door. I could hear his voice and see his face, hear his laughter, I passed our old houses where memories still run around the yard as if time stopped.
Then another jolt, a voice I know well, a history lesson of things I left behind, forgot somewhere and they were all surfacing as fast as I can say, WOW! I was back on my bike after a year, I was rowing 3000 meters daily and beat my time by almost 6 minutes within a weeks time. My kids were working out daily and asking me questions and asking me to watch their form and show them specifics.
My fire was being lit, I was needed, I was with my purpose.
IT NEVER LEFT, I DID!
Then a visit to Zak’s memorial space. A shift, another shift, I was shifting faster than a race car on a race track.
I was about to get on a plane and go home and I felt like I was leaving home at the same time I wanted to go home. Chaos took me over and when I got on the plane I wrote Zak. OH MY GOSHH I miss you more than words, or stars in the sky among the infinite missing that I know will never end, Zak I need you NOW.
WHAT NOW??????
Then it hit me!
My purpose never left, I DID!
Everything in me was fighting, I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back, the list of pros and cons where sparring for the championship.
Start over AGAIN?
Dear GOD I’m so tired of starting over, plant my feet and let me grow my roots again with purpose!
THATS IT, MY PURPOSE!
I was flying away from it and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
“I don’t want to live where my purpose is, WHAT the HELL Kerri Elizabeth????”
I can travel, I can go back and forth to my purpose, sure I can. I can build another purpose I told myself, their grown, shouldn’t I have another purpose by now? I mean, who’s to say they won’t move away? I don’t like the dark winters? Why do I need to live there all winter? Why am I limiting myself? Why am I stressing?
Its written in stone, my purpose is my children and grandchildren and loving others, being in love again and never giving any of that up. I love, sharing my inspired heart that has been seasoned with sugar and spice to give more to others, that is my purpose.
I was searching myself for a new purpose and my purpose was still the same, it’s what I created from being me, its the extensions of me, the lives I birthed and the love I know how to share.
Zak brought in a voice that shocked me into position and blew me wide open.
I remember in surgery when I had my intestine removed in 2005( I think), I was under for 12 hours, not what they wanted or planned for but everything went wrong and they couldn’t get me out of anesthesia. The hospital had to call in a voice of my past to shock me back to life.
It worked!
Thats what happened again!
Stop searching, what your searching for has already found you and never left you.
Look to see where you went!
SUNSHINE
In the core you will find the rhythm of restoration!
~Kerri Elizabeth~
Mingle into your core
Where life is restored
Where chaos tries to hide
And love thrives
Where confusion and alignment mingle
Where calmess and anxious tango
Where defeat speaks in the same space our hearts beat
What if you just danced with the rawness of that truth
What if trying to prove one of them didn’t exist
Meant accepting space to breathe
And both were able to converse with ease
And the shouting stopped
SUNSHINE
Let the child inside make wishes too and let the grown up in you create the way!
~Kerri Elizabeth~
Delight in the joys of life
Find the child inside
In wonder you’ll see
Your innocence is still free
To be
Giggle and wiggle
Jump for joy
Make a wish
Dream it to be
Hula-hoop with me
Smiles are guaranteed
Sunshine
A covering of truths is a silence of scarred fears and an unwillingness to adjust and move!
~Kerri Elizabeth~
In the random coverings of our deepest truths
Under layers of emotions, doubts and un-still fears
The covering floats, moves, and allows us the process to adjust
Temporary rest requires a respectful gathering of truths
A clearing of what no longer serves you and thickens the plot of emotional chaos
Adjust your movements to free space in the gallery of your anatomy
Movement and adjustment opens truth
It is not under the cover you take off in flight
It is in the respectful process under cover
You move into the infinite possibilities of light
SUNSHINE
Your smile can hold thousands of tears and your heart can release you from fears!
~Kerri Elizabeth~
It’s in your petals I watch you bloom
The memories I will never lose
It’s the way you grow, facing me in every space
It’s the way your strength holds me high
It’s how you brighten my skies
It’s the whisper that raises the hairs on my skin
It’s the way you remind me to rise again
Your with me , there’s no doubt
Closing my eyes to let the tears out
Each one rolling down my cheek
Finding peace in the cracks of my smile
SUNSHINE
It is closing in on a year you got your wings and it’s coming too fast, I wasn’t ready and I never would of been.
Thank you Zak ( my son) for helping turn my frown into a smile again. Thank you for showing me how to allow my smile to catch my tears and free my fears. I know you are flying fearlessly and free because you show me.
Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.
~Brene Brown~
How do you show up for yourself daily?
Healing from anything takes times and kindness to self. I’m about to spill some serious information and things I have done this last 8 months healing from the loss of my 24-year-old son, who left this earth without any lack of suffering from Leukemia.
I never could have imagined in my wildest nightmares what losing a child could do to you. Brene Brown wrote that amazing quote and it’s perfect, it requires a full reorientation of just about every detail of life.
In reorienting, (I’m definitely still in the process), I consider myself to be farther at this stage than expected, for some very important reasons.
I stopped allowing other people to tell me, when, how, or what I was supposed to feel like and I took off on a road trip for 40 days and nights and intended on being inspired and I was that times a million.
It’s not the decision everyone would make. I felt like if I didn’t do something drastic and push myself I wasn’t going to get up at all one day.
The trip had emotional challenges that whooped my ever loving ass and Zak arrived in a fighter jet to confirm I was going to make it as if he planned it all. He knew when, how and the exact moment to show up and it wasn’t with anything less than IMPACT.
Being so vulnerable and so disoriented meant remote quiet areas were a must and just diving into Mother Earth’s beauty was critical, she reflected back to me the beauty I had forgotten in myself and opened creative spaces that had slammed shut.
The disorientation started for me the day I found out Zak had 95% cancer in his body 5 years ago and in a day all our lives were changed. Nothing was the same, NOT one thing. It was like I entered a new world and the rest was left behind.
Fast forward to the last 8 months……I knew specific nutrition to get through the trauma I experienced. Be conscious of what you’re going through and evaluate the changes you need to get the best results.
Food Matters Recipes has some amazing recipes and information that will blow your mind, don’t tiptoe – dive in and explore the beauty of transforming your food into giving your body what it deserves.
Here are some Food Matters interviews on the subjects of healthy bodies and minds, dedicate some time to health education.
Gift yourself continual stretching and functional movement, invest in yourself.
Allow your body the opportunity to do its best for you. I am dedicated to this without fail and it has given me back ten-fold, DocJenFit.thinkific.com, she offers courses like The Mobility Method, The Optimal Body, and Grateful for Mobility Challenge. I do all of these but pick one and just commit to 10 mins a day!
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
I’m sharing this because, through trauma and stressful situations, this is something you can control. I know with all my heart that if I didn’t do these things my health would be suffering greatly.
Thank your body daily for all it does for you!
You won’t escape stress, heartache and a few hard knocks, at least I don’t know anyone that has. I suppose its possible, but what a bummer to not experience pain, how would you ever appreciate joy?
Part of my life passion is to help as many people as I can into movement. Movement your face if you cant move anything else and start from the head down.
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
One of my other favorites you can do anywhere, anytime and since I have been doing this I have grown leaps and bounds, is the Tapping Solution, I watched this documentary on The Tapping Solution, and it changed everything for me.
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
Releasing the less-than-positive self-chatter first is key to your healing forward. This might surprise you. I’m NOT a law of attraction fanatic, I’m an earth loving, soul driven, nature-inspired lover, of life and if anyone can make a rainbow from tears it’s me. However, in order to attract the positive, you must heal the negative, acknowledge it, face the truth and release it to make room for all you want to attract.
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
Are you walking around covering your own self-shitty talk with a mask of denial? Face it as your truth and then love yourself unconditionally forward. It’s acceptance and freedom to be empowered right where you are so you can attract what you want and have room for it to arrive.
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
Don’t let anyone tell you, “just be positive” when you don’t feel that way, we already know that part, its common sense. Having it in your face is simply the same as putting your hand up in front of someone’s face and telling them you’re not interested in their truth or authenticity, but if they put on a mask to please you, they will be fine.
Who is this fine for?
Be you in all your beautiful forms, sad, mad, angry, blissful, joyful, blessed, excited, fearful, tenacious, tender, grateful, generous and so much more. These are emotions, have them, embrace them, nurture their evolution of changing, rearranging and creating new spaces for growth.
Here’s another amazing enlighting experience for free www.jovianarchive.com/Human_Design/Why This gave me a wonderful foundation and confirmation of my strengths and weaknesses I was born with and how to work better with my personality type. I’m a manifester, one of 9% of people, this is just a small part of the genetic and energetic make up you will get to know in your chart, to help you create the best success for yourself and it’s fun and interesting.
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
It must all flow to grow!
SUNSHINE
Wherever you are there is a silence inside where peace resides, witness it, visualize it and surround it with love, protect it, feed it, love it, nurture it and know, it’s created just for you, it’s always there, no one can step in or out, it’s just for the champion in you to arise from.
~Kerri-Elizabeth~
Witness yourself
In alignment
Climb deliberately into this silent space
Surrounding yourself in light
A champion in flight
Arise into the vision
Decision
Mother natures precision
Birds singing, freedom to fly
Open sky
Red rock rivers flowing by
Grass shifting
Sun shining
Heart open
Mind clear
With the peace that faces fears
I am a champion
Sunshine
SONSHINE FOR YOU 