“Cleansing is not letting go of love, it is making room for it to move more freely.”
This week was not loud, or easy. It was a week of walking gently through silence, noticing what lingers and what begins to stir. The reflected stillness, yet stillness itself was full of memory, of love, of truths preparing to step into the light.
October asks for cleansing. It asks for a slowing down, to feel what has been carried, to honor transitions, ours and others, without any added definition or judgements. It invites strength through softness, courage through listening, and healing through awareness.
Even in silence, there is motion. Even in waiting, there is growth, even in absence, love is the presence that carries it all.
-Kerri-Elizabeth- Next week, October’s stillness will meet October’s unveiling, and the light will not be held back.
“Physical absence does not move love away, it shows us how deeply it remains.”
October always arrived carrying lanterns unseen. They glowed quietly, guiding steps through the fog, reminding that presence is not limited to what we touch.
The lanterns belonged to memory, to love that had shifted form, to a connection that time could not unravel. Even as years moved faster than seemed possible, love remained steady. Each flame flickered with guidance, urging forward without losing what had been.
The month is not heavy in despair, but rich in reflection. It asks for slowing down, for honoring what cannot be replaced, for finding strength not by resisting, but by walking with it.
-Kerri-Elizabeth- Tomorrow, the lanterns will stretch their glow further, casting gentle light into hidden corners.
We all have stories— some passed down, some passed around, some born from glances never explained.
I’ve learned that the same story can be told a hundred different ways depending on who holds the pen. One person remembers the way the light hit the kitchen table. Another remembers the silence after a slammed door. Some recall laughter. Some can’t forget the ache. And none of it makes any of it less real.
What’s hardest is when the stories begin to live lives of their own—shaped by whispers, fueled by wounds, rewritten by those who need a version that comforts their pain.
Sometimes love is rewritten into betrayal, connection into threat, guidance into control. And suddenly, you find yourself a villain in a story you never wrote.
There is a kind of grief—no, not grief, but a reckoning— when a child is no longer allowed to speak to you. Not because of something you did, but because someone else needed them to stop listening.
Needed them to carry their pain, to make sense of their own wounds by silencing yours. And so, a legacy is broken, not by truth, but by the stories others told loud enough, long enough, that it began to sound like history.
And yet…
There are other children, other souls who are spared the chaos, who find family in love, who are given the gift of choosing their path—not out of fear or pressure, but through the soft unfolding of experience. They come to know love not as a tool or a transaction, but as a presence.
That is the hope. That is the beauty in this brokenness.
Because we cannot fix the feelings others are determined to carry. We cannot rewrite their chapters. But we can stop reading the story aloud to ourselves.
We can sit with it—not to suffer it, but to let it soften. To breathe it in only long enough to find the lesson, and then breathe it out as something lighter.
This is how we stop the inheritance of pain. This is how we leave space for joy, even if some never return.
We do not need to resent them. We do not need to chase them. We simply need to be here—fully here— with all the love that remains.
The past is not ours to fix. But the present… the present is ours to live.
Let the story pass. Let the breath deepen. Let the legacy of love be louder than the lie.
Among the stars there are dreams that are actively living by the light of the moon , the warmth of the sun and held by the whispering breeze of infinite love!
“Nature you call on me with such a diligent perseverance and a sweet persistent whisper that runs through my veins and does not take no for an answer, JUST LIKE ZAK!”
~Kerri-Elizabeth~
This swim was for you my son……………October 31,2019
Happy 27 th Birthday forever having fun No waiting No contemplating No wetsuit No worries No fears Just courage to live Just deep sorrow in loss Just memories of your voice Just knowing you’d say… “you’re crazy, thats freezing” Just knowing you’d cheer me on, from the shore, laughing and pushing me to do more Just knowing you’d talk about it for a lifetime Just knowing it was a moment that created a memory, made me jump I heard you I saw you in the reflection of the waters face I felt your embrace I heard your heartbeat inside mine I know you’re there, everywhere I’m here too In heaven and on earth My only son We’re still together It is you, so I embrace this pain and this view
SUNSHINE
On October 31st every year I am reminded on a greater scale the life as my son here on earth is now a journey of emotions and questions and grief and sorrow and memories and heart strings that will forever be pulled and stretched.
I will never be the same, nor do I want to be. I wanted to send this out on his birthday but it has taken me this many days to do it. I write often shorter versions of my sunshine on Instagram before they hit this page. It’s often my leave a thought page at @Kerrissunshine.
Its been only two years and none of it gets easier for me, this year the pain was even deeper, reality sometimes sets in and digs a hole deeper than I can go at the time, so it waits for me. This is where swimming in any weather shakes me up, stands me straight, alarms my system, especially in the winter and gives me a much needed restart and brings me back to complete presence.
My mind, body and heart decided this year , it would be all about spending time with Zak, I couldn’t do anything if I tried unless it included Zak. So work was out and crying and swimming and getting a new tattoo on Zaks birthday has now become tradition.
Take the moments you need and make them what you need to heal, to reveal, to seal, to unveil, to really get present. TO REALLY FEEL TO HEAL!
It is because of you I had the opportunity to be broken open and made new! ~Kerri Elizabeth~
It is because of you My cry reaches the sky That my smile has different shapes and catches me by surprise That I mourn at times to a depth thats secret inside It is because of you I see a view through a kaleidoscope that’s brand-new It is because of you Seeing is not limited to a visual cue Feelings lead to breakthroughs Experience simply informs us there’s more It is because of you I see the sky at such magnitude And feel the grass blades kiss my toes It is because of you My heartbeats with respect to my souls truth It is because of you I feel the wind shift each hair on my face It is because of you I see fire in a candle with a reflection of truth I smell every scent traveling through It is because of you The stars sing a constant melody I pursue It is because of you My pain is not only sadness but something I look forward to Because of you I am new Because of you the sunshines with rays filled with an essence I cling to It is because of you Beyond all clouds I live with a deeper view SUNSHINE
I have had to listen to the presence screaming to be heard inside of me.
Accepting the woman I am as a whole meant I needed to embrace all of me right where I was standing and search the reflection of brokenness and shame and guilt not meant to weigh me down but an opportunity to be found. My grief continues to give me a new view. YES, I cry so hard I can’t breathe and THEN I let go! So this is what is new! Resistance is now a voice of surrender, let go to see the view, then decide if it’s a place to stand or move into. It is waiting for you. Our heart speaks first and your choice may hurt, but until a letting go happens your souls truth is captive. Everything has a beginning and an end ,except GOD, so everything I do, I do, knowing GODS promise and view is to see me through. I’m still here, aren’t you?
SONSHINE FOR YOU 