“Nature you call on me with such a diligent perseverance and a sweet persistent whisper that runs through my veins and does not take no for an answer, JUST LIKE ZAK!”
This swim was for you my son……………October 31,2019
Happy 27 th Birthday forever having fun No waiting No contemplating No wetsuit No worries No fears Just courage to live Just deep sorrow in loss Just memories of your voice Just knowing you’d say… “you’re crazy, thats freezing” Just knowing you’d cheer me on, from the shore, laughing and pushing me to do more Just knowing you’d talk about it for a lifetime Just knowing it was a moment that created a memory, made me jump I heard you I saw you in the reflection of the waters face I felt your embrace I heard your heartbeat inside mine I know you’re there, everywhere I’m here too In heaven and on earth My only son We’re still together It is you, so I embrace this pain and this view
On October 31st every year I am reminded on a greater scale the life as my son here on earth is now a journey of emotions and questions and grief and sorrow and memories and heart strings that will forever be pulled and stretched.
I will never be the same, nor do I want to be. I wanted to send this out on his birthday but it has taken me this many days to do it. I write often shorter versions of my sunshine on Instagram before they hit this page. It’s often my leave a thought page at @Kerrissunshine.
Its been only two years and none of it gets easier for me, this year the pain was even deeper, reality sometimes sets in and digs a hole deeper than I can go at the time, so it waits for me. This is where swimming in any weather shakes me up, stands me straight, alarms my system, especially in the winter and gives me a much needed restart and brings me back to complete presence.
My mind, body and heart decided this year , it would be all about spending time with Zak, I couldn’t do anything if I tried unless it included Zak. So work was out and crying and swimming and getting a new tattoo on Zaks birthday has now become tradition.
Take the moments you need and make them what you need to heal, to reveal, to seal, to unveil, to really get present. TO REALLY FEEL TO HEAL!